Lost desire to live, demotivated, suicidal with no self confidence
Hi,
I am really sorry this is going to be very long. I really need some sort of guidance and I don't know who to ask. Please help me.
I have had the privilege of been born into such a wonderful religion and I have always considered myself as the daughter of Guru Gobind Singh Ji (I love him). I was a very intelligent and confident young girl (up until grade 11) who knew she wanted to become a Doctor and she wasn't going to stop at anything to get what she wanted. I even got the highest average from the entire class in grade 10, which made my friends hate me and say to my face.. that they hated that I was so smart and that their brown parents told them to be better than me. Of course, I left their friendship.
However, starting that point on, I never got good science teachers and I didn't learn basic sciences. I started hating my life and expecting the worst of life and I started going horrible in school. It was worse as both of my parents were masters in Physics and Chemistry and teachers back in India. And me, as their daughter, was a failure at these sciences. My progress started declining and I got rejected from my dream program. I still chose my dream university but with the second best program (with avg. of 90). However, from the moment I started university, I HAD NO CONFIDENCE IN MY ABILITY TO STUDY AND EXCEL. I worked and didn't get good marks, and then I quit trying. I slept all day literally... I was very depressed all first year. All I did was eat (gained 30 lbs) or sleep or watch TV shows (Grey's Anatomy) and I hated my life. I just didn't think (and still do- and I hate myself for this) that I am not good enough to become a doctor here in Canada. I thought everyone was much better than me, and more deserving. I have thought about committing suicide MANY times in my life because I feel like I'm betraying my parents, who are immigrants to this country. Also I am overweight and living in an brown community has made me realize how horribly that affects your self esteem when your relatives/family friends brutally comment about my weight problems. Anyways, for some reason, I am never able to just end my life, maybe I am scared of after life (yamdoots are brutal) and I feel like it would be an injustice to end my life, considering that my guru father was such a fearless and brave man.
My problem is that now I am finishing my second year of university (transferred out of my dream school into a not so prestigious university) and I have done horribly this year too. I am probably a low 60's student now. I don't study with passion about the subject I ...