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Lost desire to live, demotivated, suicidal with no self confidence


I am really sorry this is going to be very long. I really need some sort of guidance and I don't know who to ask. Please help me.

I have had the privilege of been born into such a wonderful religion and I have always considered myself as the daughter of Guru Gobind Singh Ji (I love him). I was a very intelligent and confident young girl (up until grade 11) who knew she wanted to become a Doctor and she wasn't going to stop at anything to get what she wanted. I even got the highest average from the entire class in grade 10, which made my friends hate me and say to my face.. that they hated that I was so smart and that their brown parents told them to be better than me. Of course, I left their friendship.

However, starting that point on, I never got good science teachers and I didn't learn basic sciences. I started hating my life and expecting the worst of life and I started going horrible in school. It was worse as both of my parents were masters in Physics and Chemistry and teachers back in India. And me, as their daughter, was a failure at these sciences. My progress started declining and I got rejected from my dream program. I still chose my dream university but with the second best program (with avg. of 90). However, from the moment I started university, I HAD NO CONFIDENCE IN MY ABILITY TO STUDY AND EXCEL. I worked and didn't get good marks, and then I quit trying. I slept all day literally... I was very depressed all first year. All I did was eat (gained 30 lbs) or sleep or watch TV shows (Grey's Anatomy) and I hated my life. I just didn't think (and still do- and I hate myself for this) that I am not good enough to become a doctor here in Canada. I thought everyone was much better than me, and more deserving. I have thought about committing suicide MANY times in my life because I feel like I'm betraying my parents, who are immigrants to this country. Also I am overweight and living in an brown community has made me realize how horribly that affects your self esteem when your relatives/family friends brutally comment about my weight problems. Anyways, for some reason, I am never able to just end my life, maybe I am scared of after life (yamdoots are brutal) and I feel like it would be an injustice to end my life, considering that my guru father was such a fearless and brave man.

My problem is that now I am finishing my second year of university (transferred out of my dream school into a not so prestigious university) and I have done horribly this year too. I am probably a low 60's student now. I don't study with passion about the subject I used to love (Biology). I start studying the day before my exams. Why? Because I am too scared to study hard and know I will only get 60s at the end. I hate myself. I know that I will never get into medical schools in Canada with these marks. I need 90s and I don't have them. And that makes me sick to my stomach. Sometimes, I just cry and shake and just go blank. This is not who I was supposed to be. Do you think someone did black magic on me? or evil eye? because I have A LOT of people who would LOVE TO SEE ME FAIL.

I watched almost all videos of sikhnet and Guruka Singh on youtube (God bless him). But I am not able to take and apply those teachings. I start and it just never works out. I just think in my subconscious mind, my mind thinks that I can't be happy, and I hate myself for that. I also want to be a winner. I tried meditation and I think I do it wrong as it doesn't seem to help that much. Also, I started reading Guru Granth Sahib (with translations) from Google and I am on Pg 22. But I feel like I can't tame my mind. I don't know what to do. Please help me.

My mind just doesn't think that I could be happy, that I can live a life I can be proud of. That I can be a good doctor (or dentist)- because I am scared of dead bodies and coffins and morgue (not sure why I have so many nightmares about them). I want to commit suicide and end life and the only thing keeping me here is the pain it will cause my family and Guru Gobind Singh Ji.

Please help me get my life back together. I want to do well and believe in myself and succeed and live a happy life.

**Although I don't do paath everyday, I do recite Chaupai Sahib and mool mantar when I feel the need to connect more to God, and I want to do it more often.

Thanks, (and sorry for such a long post but I have been looking for someone's help since 4 years now)