Ask Your Question

Sex before marriage

asked 2013-09-12 15:52:43 -0500

anonymous user


updated 2017-07-31 11:01:00 -0500

Guruka Singh gravatar image

Hey I recently met a girl online. We communicated through email at first, then texting, and with in a week we were about to have our first date. We had an instant connection, a lot of our up bringing was the same, our family's, and morals and values. Long story short, we had sex on the first date. We were head over heels at first and even talked about marriage and moving in together all by the third date.

I am still trying to figure out if its just lust/infatuation or if there really is a genuine connection. I feel a bit scared and hesitant. She feels a bit scared too but really seems to be into me from what I can tell.

Has anyone else been in my shoes and how did you go about it? What is your take on sex before marriage? Just looking for some advice :)

edit retag flag offensive close merge delete

5 answers

Sort by ยป oldest newest most voted

answered 2013-09-13 18:54:40 -0500

WarriorsWill gravatar image

Dear Anonymous,

You should seek forgiveness from Guru Ji for your action, and also apologize sincerely to the women you met online. If you truthfully and with your hearts content, humbly ask for forgiveness to Guru Ji, it will be granted at his will, having understanding of why your action was not correct will help build that deep inner content. Having premarital sex is forbidden not only in Sikhi, but in many other religions, remember they all lead to the same path, Guru Ji. Don't ever do it again until your married, consider this lesson and warning from Guru Ji in your life. You should always be respectful, polite, kind and helpful to women, don't follow society's display of what women represent (sex objects), look at your own sister and mother to obtain how you feel you should treat and look upon other women. This includes both mentally and physical as well. This of course isn't easy, but no one ever said being a Sikh is easy to begin with. Unknowingly, you have disrespected Guru Ji by having premarital sex without his consent (marriage) with one of his dearest daughters, you've also shown disrespect to the women's parents with such an action, even if you married her, you would more or less hide this truth from them forever! When deciding on a potential partner for marriage, sexual intercourse should be the last of your worries, for that is not the only purpose of marriage, especially at an early stage. Question yourself this, Are you at an age your ready for marriage both in mind, body and soul? Have you finished your education? Do you have a full-time stable job? etc. Back away from this relation for sometime, or cool it at least, there's no rush. You shouldn't be alone with her anymore unless a parent or friend is around, once you've been prone to lust with that action, your mind will play more tricks, if you don't do naam simran or recite Gurbani faithfully and with devotion, you will fall prey to repeating the act, don't even for a moment think you can control the energy, you will hopelessly fail. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being rude or impolite, I just want you to understand the seriousness of why you should think things over :). Regarding if its lust or a genuine connection, think about why you posted this question? Your inner conscious is telling you something listen to it, why do you both have doubts, recite the Guru's bani, go to the Gurdawara, do seva, avoid talking to her from sometime, loosen the attachment, and THEN see with a clear mind what do I feel. What's the hurry if you defer judgment for 6 months or a year? Patience is a virtue. I wish you the best, make the right decision, make Guru Ji proud that your his Sikh, everyone experiences downfalls, just learn ... (more)

edit flag offensive delete link more

answered 2013-09-14 08:49:37 -0500

Anonymous sikh gravatar image

updated 2013-09-20 22:16:06 -0500

Well to be honest, most guys in your shoes would have done the same, all due to raging hormones, but then again it's not permitted in any faith. Having premartial sexual intercourse is so common these days yet it is still condemnable act of sin. Most guys in your place would not think twice to have sex with their girlfriend. To be honest as a guy I would too have done the same as you did so nothing to feel guilty about.

edit flag offensive delete link more

answered 2013-09-16 00:12:53 -0500

Lo K. B. gravatar image

Sat Nam,

I agree with WarriorsWill. I just want to add a comment to where you asked "I am still trying to figure out if its just lust/infatuation or if there really is a genuine connection."

I don't want to say that you have no genuine connection, because I do not know you personally. But what you two did together, however, was a lapse in judgment that may as well have jeopardized the strength of the connection. Speaking from experience, I have many female friends from all walks of life who have done almost the same thing, and I can tell you that for a woman, engaging in an act which literally "saps" emotions and creates a little knot in her psyche without any commitment (first date!!) puts a weight on her growth as a person, especially if she is young. Her growth as a person is CONNECTED to you, rather than being unattached and free. It's not about blame, but the ramifications about sex before commitment are very high. Some manifest later in life. The counsel I usually give to girls (I live in a college dormitory in the U.S.) is that imagine your wedding day where you agree to build a life with the man you love, but also imagine all the guys you've slept with right there in every decision, in every thought. That usually is enough to give them pause.

As for "is it lust?!", I would have to say that yes, it was an act of lust only because you lost sight of the consequences and immaturity of the action, which YOU KNOW was probably not a good idea. (It doesn't matter how "in" to each other you are). "Getting caught up in the moment" is not just a petty little saying, it entails great pain if it keeps happening to you. In turn, you lose sight of the REALITY of your connection. A connection takes time to build and deepen. They say that 99% of it is sexual attraction, but the other one percent (the important part) is something that takes time to understand. One date is not even enough for the most experienced and evolved of people.

So, what to do now?

The reason this reply is so long is because I understand where you are coming from and do want you to know that you are not going to be punished for it, but that there is a lesson to be learned. That "hesitancy" you both feel could be a combination of "guilt", shame or even a "thrill" that you did something daring. Instead of building something on that unstable foundation, try to turn it around. Do as the other replies stated. Forgive yourself, and ask your Guru ji to forgive you. AND, be a man and apologize to the girl. Tell her how you feel about it now that you know what it does to a woman. If she doesn't want to listen or ... (more)

edit flag offensive delete link more

answered 2017-07-25 01:09:43 -0500

what if an amritdhari was to have sex before marriage with a women he was not going to marry and it was out of lust? Surely he would have to face the panj Pyare and face punishment and potentially be refused Amrit again right?...

edit flag offensive delete link more


Yep he/she would have to do pesh in front of the Panj Pyare

gn gravatar imagegn ( 2017-07-26 13:14:31 -0500 )edit

What kind of punishment could one face for this?...

Learning with Sikhi gravatar imageLearning with Sikhi ( 2017-08-05 14:01:07 -0500 )edit

Question Tools


Asked: 2013-09-12 15:52:43 -0500

Seen: 18,542 times

Last updated: Jul 31 '17