Relationship

asked 2012-02-27 11:00:54 -0500

Anonymous

updated 2012-04-18 12:08:27 -0500

9730 ●15 ●53 ●121

WJKWJF I am a 25 year old girl, I was in a relationship since last 9 years. My boyfriend was just a family now after being together for so many years. We shared great respect, comfort and true commitment all these years. Now that it was the time to justify our relation and commitment, I don't know what happened to him. He asked his mom for her permission for our marriage and her being old fashioned and orthodox, she refused. Now he is telling me to forget it. I don't understand how is this even happening. I love him so much that when it comes to him nothing else matters and he loves me a lot too but for some reason this thought has settled in his mind that since we cannot pay back our parents for making our life so perfect by sacrificing their own, he wants to pay her mom back by sacrificing our relation. I respect his mom even when she dislikes me to the extent that she hates me. I still tell him that I will prove myself to be total opposite of what she is afraid about but he does not want to take one step against the will of his mother. Because to him, his mother has made so many sacrifices over the years and he does not want to go ahead and marry me which will hurt her for rest of her life. After discussing this and trying to convince him for months now I am broken and torn apart. Every night I prayed to God Almighty to help me, to do some miracle that she agrees herself. But no answers. Then I thought I'll leave it on time and whatever is in my sanjog I'll get. I am in dilemma, isnt it like God help those who help themselves? Should I give up knowing he loves me as much as I love and accept this irrational reason of giving up? Although he clearly told me that he cannot marry me, he does not want to break up and neither it seems to be feasible from my side. We decide one day that fine we won't contact each othr from now and on. But we are so used to each other that it doesn't work. He messages me next morning and no matter how hard I try to resist it I end up replying back and then the cycle begins of initially talking and then discussing marriage, then he refuses, then I get hurt and disappointed, I pray, I cease the contact, and then he messages/ calls, then I try to resist, then I reply and so on. I feel I am stuck in this cycle and don't know what to do. Can you suggest me what should I do? This is really ruining my life.

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answered 2012-04-18 10:01:45 -0500

Guruka Singh

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Bhen Ji - I understand that you are under a lot of social pressure to get married, but it is not time for that yet. You are not ready. First you must master your own emotions so that you do not create a commotion.

Now is the time to perfect yourself in your grace, neutrality, steadiness and self-discipline. Do not argue with your parents about marriage. Become very calm, neutral and loving in your projection. Deepen your relationship with your Guru and hand this predicament over to Him. Tell Baba Ji that you understand that He will arrange your affairs, and then let him do it in His own time.

All love in Divine, ......G

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Thank you Guruka Singh ji. Thank you very much. Please pray for me that I could follow the path you have shown. I try but only for so long and then relapse back into depressive thoughts. But I am not going to give up and everytime I fall short in my efforts I will get up and try again.

abcd ( 2012-04-18 10:45:11 -0500 )edit

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answered 2012-03-05 17:25:02 -0500

Guruka Singh

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Waheguru Ji ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji ki Fateh!

Nine years is a long time. You have formed the habit, and so has he. He is mother's boy. Marriage is for both partners to serve together, grow together, support each other, confront each other, enjoy each other and reach the infinity together. The center of your marriage is the Guru and the Sadhsangat, not the blood family. If you take all the time and energy you spend thinking about him and about your relationship and put that into your relationship with your Guru and into working on yourself, your dilemma will end. Guru arranges the marriage, not parents. You have made the habit. It is an emotional comfort. Lay your attachment at Guru's charan and consciously let him arrange your affairs.

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Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!

abcd ( 2012-04-17 16:55:02 -0500 )edit

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answered 2012-03-05 19:21:11 -0500

abcd
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WJWJF

My first prayer is already answered, Guruka singh ji. I have seen your videos on youtube and I respect your words a lot. I was hoping to get my answer from you and I got it. Thank you, I will do my best in following your suggestion. I am very humbled by your response. Thank you for understanding my situation and for your kind reply.

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answered 2012-04-17 17:14:14 -0500

abcd
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Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh! I am sorry for bothering you again but I tried every way of getting over this past but instead of improving things are only becoming more difficult. My parents want me to think about getting married sometime soon this year. According to them in Indian culture a girl should ideally get married by the age of 25-26. I agree to this somewhat having a science background I understand to it's biologically more favorable to have have kids before the age of 30. Therefore if I do want to get into the married life and plan to have children this is ideal age. However I am so torn inside. I still love him and the thought of anand karaj with someone else is killing me inside. I know nothing could be done. He is already getting involved with his family to look for a potential match for him and this is hurting me even more. I want to do the same but I can't move on. I am terrified to live alone but at the same time I cannot forget the time we spent together. I want to live up to every promise we made to each other. I do know that back then he meant every word he said to me and so did i. He wants to serve his mother in this life and for that he has to deject me. He told me clearly without sugar coating his words. It makes me respect him but I am also hurt that why isn't waheguru helping me through this. I don't want to marry someone knowing that I still love him. I don't know what should I do? The pressure of getting married is increasing every day from my side of the family too. They don't know that I am still in denial about my break up. I know I am in denial/grief stage and I also hope that with time hopefully I'll be able to move on. But if I decide to stay single at the moment, will it be right decision to take? I don't want to be alone but when I try to get to know someone I feel like I am betraying them as well as my guru for not living up to promises I once made in front of Dhan Shri Guru Granth Sahib ji. I tried to meet a guy that my parents suggested but as soon as we were given our own space to get to know each other I felt like I was a married woman trying to know a stranger. I felt the guilt and indifferent emotion towards the guy I was arranged to meet with. I did not feel that he could be my potential partner I felt I was already a married woman although I am not. No one understands the dilemma I am going through because I and my ex were ... (more)

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answered 2012-04-17 17:31:29 -0500

abcd
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Just to add, as I read from your answer to someone else's post that If I do get married with someone else just for the sake of getting married or to give in to family and society pressures or to secure my inner fear of being alone for the rest of my life, I believe that marriage would be "karmic marriage". As you mentioned in that post. I do not want someone else to pay for my karma of falling in love so seriously that removing his identity from myself is like detaching my shadow from myself. I know I might sound like an obsessed person but we had great spiritual journey too. Whenever we had time we visited gurdwaras and everything, every moment felt so divine far far away from greed, lust, ego. It was just so divine. I can never love anyone else the same way or be the same person to anyone else. Not that I don't want to but it just doesn't come from within. What should I do?

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You say "I can never love anyone else the same way or be the same person to anyone else." but that is only how you feel now. You do not know the future. Relax and let it unfold.

Guruka Singh ( 2012-05-15 17:35:09 -0500 )edit

Bhai ji I just found out that my boyfriend got engaged to someone else. He didn't even feel the need to tell me or maybe it was too difficult for him to face me with that. I am sitting here stoned. after 9 years of love and nurturing in this relation.... It must be some karma that I had to pay :'(

abcd ( 2012-06-10 09:39:33 -0500 )edit

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answered 2012-05-12 09:38:35 -0500

Amrit Beauty
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WJKKWJF,

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain; hopefully I can pass some of what I have learnt - you can contact me on [email protected]

Amrit

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