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Lost faith , I need sone guidance

asked 2018-09-30 07:24:20 -0500

Redoptics gravatar image

updated 2018-10-16 12:32:30 -0500

Guruka Singh gravatar image

Im turning 40 early next year, I have been trying to follow the sikhi religion for twenty years now. I just feel lost, and I don't know what to do, I was very happy until around two years ago, when I got married, my wife brought a lot of troubles with her and I still stood by her.

Now there is a rift between my family and hers, all I want is a simple life, I believe in sikhi, and the ritual we did when getting married.

But how much can a man take before you need to let go, I just feel miserable and I don't understand why waheguru is making me go through this.

I'm now at the point of drinking far too much and causing trouble to my parents.

I don't want to do this , I just want a happy home with a wife and kids , I'm not asking for much , I just don't understand anymore

If anyone has some advice, please share.

Thank you, waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru waheguru

Some more details, so like I said I got married two years ago, she moved from a different city to mine.

This is where all the problems started , when I'd go work she would argue with my parents, we found out she was taking un- prescribed drugs mostly anti depressants. Also found out she was drinking and is a alcoholic.

She also seems mentally ill (she still hasn't told me what) but from my experience it sounds a lot like bi-polar). She just out of the blue starts having fits and such which I stood by her.

It got to the point two months in we moved out thought maybe the stress of being with my parents is stirring her up.

Once we moved out more freedom, more instances of drinking, the she stole from boots for no reason, and then cought her applying for one of those escort sites.

After all this she went back to her own house , she would come back to vist every month sometimes pleasant other times she would have me arrested and all sorts.

It's totally messed up my head, there is plenty more, but I do know what to do , if I talk about divorce she talks about sucide. I just feel trapped and I don't know why out of three brothers I'm the only one who got married to a sikh girl, I do paath as much as I can and try and be a decent person.

I just don't understand why I have to go through this and I still do at least japji sahib everyday.

Like I said I'm lost, also as you can tell there will be no reconciliation with my family and hers, from not telling us the truth about her from the start.

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answered 2018-10-01 17:26:34 -0500

Guruka Singh gravatar image

When you get married, the karmas merge. In the marriage the karmas are churned. As Strong Kaur mentioned, this is ultimately between the two of you. If there is no communication, you cannot move forwards. When emotions run high, if you chant or do simran with your wife, and then sit and listen to each other without reacting to each other, communication can begin.

None of that will work if you are drinking alcohol. It requires some calmness and clarity. Alcohol traps you in your emotions.

That said, if you need help, ask for it locally. Our responses here may point you in the right direction, but you must actively get help on a personal level directly. There is no shame in asking for help. The shame lies in avoidance.

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answered 2018-09-30 17:21:44 -0500

strongKaur gravatar image

Thanks for sharing. Feeling lost certainly does feel horrible. I don’t know much about your problem if you feel comfortable sharing what is going on with the families perhaps there is some problem solving to be done, some communication issue to resolve, etc. It is hard to provide some advice without knowing much about what you are facing. It sounds like there has been a lot of difficulty for her personally and then between the families. Is it possible for you two just to be on the same team and focus on yourselves rather than the families right now. To prioritize each other’s relationships. Have you thought about some personal counselling to be able to sort through some of this? Particularly if you drink a lot, this is damaging to you and to the home environment and needs to be addressed. I understand this is because of the stress you are facing. Have you thought about speaking to your doctor about the drinking? They often have resources for that. Gurbani teaches us many ways of coping with life’s stressors. Perhaps take a hukamnama from Sikhnet online and see what Guru Ji tells you. We are capable of handling more than what it feels like we can handle, but at the same time its important to recognize when to reach out and I can see that you are reaching out to the sangat here. That’s the limited advice I have based off what you have written. You'll get through this, i know it feels like you are stuck but you will move past this stage too.

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thanks for adding some information. With the mental illness (could be bipolar, borderline personality disorder or a number of other things), it sounds like it has been very difficult to manage. I think having her get help is important. Either ask her to go to the doctor, or tell your doctor ...

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2018-10-14 15:27:25 -0500 )edit

independently in your own appointment and brainstorm on how to get her in for an appointment. She needs a proper assessment and diagnosis to come up with a management plan. I think a lot of her behvaiour could be coming from her illness.

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2018-10-14 15:28:13 -0500 )edit

If you feel trapped, then getting professional help from a doctor really does help you figure out how to step away from this without her threatening you with suicide. Most doctors will know who to refer you to.

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2018-10-14 15:29:00 -0500 )edit

I can understand now why it has been so hard for you to communicate. She needs to address her alcohol problem too, but only once she gets help for her mental health which she is probably covering with all that.

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2018-10-14 15:29:57 -0500 )edit

answered 2018-10-14 20:13:33 -0500

Tryingtobasikh gravatar image

Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh,

Mere veer jio, I want to start off by saying that alcohol isn't allowed in sikhi and in no way is it a resolution to any of your problems, it isn't for anyone, for that matter. Otherwise, everyone would be a drinking addict and no one would have a single problem in their life. Problems arise from within, from our own reactions to things. In no way am I saying that your problem isn't big, of course it is but you only find a rhino big until you see an elephant or giraffe. The solution is within yourself, its your sikhi.

Now let me try to help out (as a sister, afterall we're both Guru Nanak's Sikhs, yeah?)

"Jinna neh doojane lagga,chur maro se vaadiya"; "those who have love for another (maya), die repenting".

You're focusing all your energy onto the problem and little on the solution and that's why the problem is seeming huge. There's sikhi on one side where it teaches us not to touch alcohol and the other not to be caught in emotional attachment of family. Your wife definitely seems to have problems and that's most probably her past and how she was bought up. The way you can try to solve this, is by asking yourself a few questions. 1. Can you fix her alcoholic issues? 2. Will she consider going to a psychologist to save herself and your relationship? 3. Does she want to save your relationship? 4. Have your personally asked her the previous question and has she done anything to prove she wants to? 5. Do you love her? or are you with her because she's threatening to suicide? 6. What will make YOU happy?

Now if you answered "i'm with her because otherwise she'll commit suicide", then veer ji, that's not a good relationship, you're just there out of compulsion and not out of choice, marriage isn't about that. I advice you go to your local police station with a recording of her saying that. That's because she's blackmailing you and its most definitely affecting your mental health.

Sikhi is following what Gurbani teaches us and that's "nanak chinta mat karo, chinta this hi hai". God is watching everything you do and what you think, he's the nearest of the near. Everyone gets challenges in their lives, but its how we react to the them "aape beej, aape hi khao". Whatever you're sowing right now, is the fruit you'll get later. Don't sow the seeds of worry or hate or resentment, but rather try to stay positive that whatever god has given us is good, even if its sadness. Now, god has given you a brain too and your family, so try to build a future YOU want with them! Remember veer ji, if we have god, we have everything ... (more)

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answered 2018-11-26 19:08:08 -0500

Redoptics gravatar image

I just wanted to thank everybody for their replies, and me and my wife actually sorted things out, tragically however, she was in an accident last week and passed away.

My last memory of her is an amazing one, which might not have been without the Sangat.

I am still heart broken and upset losing her after we have tried to sort out all our issues.

The family thing couldn't be resolved but I didn't expect it too either.

I just regret having regrets and not sorting if out sooner, life is so strange at times.

I'm just crying all the time when I do paath atm but it's on the remembrance of my wife I think rather than how some cry over the words of the Guru.

Just wanted to say thank you and be a bit selfish and get this off my chest.


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Very sorry to hear about the loss, but take it as a lesson and will of god. You're strong and you have guru ji, take all the time you need and i'm sure you will heal. Waheguru ji mehr karn, te tohadi wife di aatma nu shaanti bakshn.

Tryingtobasikh gravatar imageTryingtobasikh ( 2018-11-26 19:17:55 -0500 )edit

I am so sorry to hear of your wife's passing, but also relieved to hear that the last bit of time you had together was great memories. It is understandable you are heartbroken and we are here for you through this time. As tryingtobasikh said, all is the will of God and this was simply her time to go

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2018-11-26 21:26:57 -0500 )edit

I found this episode to be particularly helpful and I hope it is for you too

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2018-11-26 21:27:27 -0500 )edit

What a blessing to be able to get this sorted with your wife before she left her physical body! _/\_

Guruka Singh gravatar imageGuruka Singh ( 2018-12-11 15:10:42 -0500 )edit

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Asked: 2018-09-30 07:24:20 -0500

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Last updated: Nov 26 '18