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I am Amritdhari and unhappy in marriage

asked 2018-05-24 15:35:27 -0500

Singh Singh gravatar image

updated 2018-08-02 13:30:23 -0500

Guruka Singh gravatar image

I read few posts here before asking mine. Tjere we're few which said 'my husband is Maritdhari and divorced me, Amritdhari Husband took off'. They made me feel like a wrong person. I don't know their stories, I know Only mine and I am not happy with my decision. Since I am Amritdhari does that mean I cannot think of changing something which I regret( 2 families will get hurt)

It is not normal to unlike ur wife when u have been married for just 6 months. But what to do when someone goes through that........I am going through it. I have never been so angry on anyone, I still think it's better to not hurt her feelings but to hurt myself. But that's so cowardly. Hurting hers is also not a good act... That's so immoral.

I was a stupid person who talked to a girl for 10 minutes and said yes for marriage. Later on I found that she was once Amritdhari but couldn't follow rehet and went to parlor and got eye brows done. When I saw her for meeting and same our ardaas also happened she seemed like she had stopped doing that so I ignored the fact that she has failled once to follow rehet thinking she won't do it again. But she continued after 2 days of ardaas. That's when I started doing kirtan sohila paath with her on most nights on phone to make her heart tilt towards rehet. Once I asked her to not go to parlor and she promised and as a result I went to meet her as we both r from different town. But few days before on video call I saw her eye brows and confronted her about her action and she agreed that yes she has got them trimmed. And said she totally forgot about her promise. That day I made she knows how angry I am for the her hidding this habbit of hers from me before ardaas. I was afraid of not breaking of marriage as I promised my self that I will follow whatever comes after ardaas in my marriage and I wanted to keep that promise to myself. But she didn't change (I thought she did) she got khande bate di pahul before marriage as I kept it a condition for marriage. On that also her mother bargained on rehets that her daughter will follow. I came to know about it later. I was happy thinking everything is going well. I came to my city and my wife went to her mother's place for few weeks. During her stay she never mentioned that she has cut her hair from bottom. Neither her parents said anything(they later said they didn't notice- which I beilive is total crap). Day she returned my parents noticed and kept it from me in order to save me from the pain as I was in a ... (more)

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answered 2018-05-25 01:46:18 -0500

strongKaur gravatar image

Welcome to the forum. Tough situation, but you can definitely make it through. At one spot you put “I don’t know whether I should end this relationship or just end my life to get over it.” Do not end your life. No problem is so big that it does not have a solution. It sounds like your family is also very important to you and they would be very hurt by that. Let’s look at some of your options.

It sounds like yes your wife has been lying and this has made you angry that you wanted a partner that was amritdhari, yet she has broken her rehat and hidden this. We can’t go back in time and have to deal with the situation you are in. It is still possible you will both get to a higher space spiritually and mentally together, but this relationship may need some work. I have seen it happen in other relationships where a partner has managed to completely change their ways and become spiritual. You are her husband, stick by her. She is going to need some help to get there if she is willing to. Also, be clear that her breaking the rehat is not your fault- yes you kept her taking amrit again as part of condition for marriage, but breaking it was her own doing. Unfortunately she isn’t taking responsibility for her actions and there’s nothing you can do about that except tell her the seriousness of how much this is troubling you, and set a good example by living your own life well. Getting angry with her will not solve anything, and will only hurt you.

Have you thought about marriage counseling? I know its early in the marriage but the first year is a particular rough patch sometimes. I think you should accept her as she is right now and that you will move forward together from here. Over time maybe through meeting sangat together and praying together you both can get to know each other better and she can stop lying. You don’t know where she has picked up this mechanism in her life of lying over things. But I think you need to get to know her more. And grow together, pray together, do simran together. The influence of other Singhnis and couples may help her instead of directly pressing her on this issue. Love her for the stage she is at. I also don’t know about forcing her to take amrit again if she is going to break her rehat again right away which it seems like is going to happen. In 6 months take a look at if there has been any change for you. You still have lots of options but you can now look through the eyes of knowing you guys have worked on it. This saves you from jumping to extreme options. Maybe she is facing a lot of pressure to look a certain ... (more)

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answered 2018-05-25 10:25:19 -0500

Guruka Singh gravatar image

updated 2018-05-25 10:27:43 -0500

StrongKaur's answer is perfect. Just remember your anger is your own. She is not "making you angry." You are choosing to react to her with anger. Own your anger. It is yours. Work on that. Calm yourself and channel the heat of your anger into something creative, like running or working out. Don't lay your anger on her. When you are able to relax and open to her and not react to her, that will give her an opening to feel safe enough to talk about these issues with you in a deeper and non-defensive way. Right now, you need to make a shift in yourself, then the opportunities StrongKaur describes can unfold in your marriage.

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Great comment about the anger belonging to oneself. In fact I was thinking about this point earlier today, thanks for adding it :)

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2018-05-25 20:12:10 -0500 )edit

answered 2018-07-30 01:34:57 -0500

Tryingtobasikh gravatar image

updated 2018-07-30 01:40:11 -0500

Waheguru jio,

I loved the answer provided by singh saab and kaur ji. It's true that you need to own your anger but I also understand that it's also very hard. However, maybe its a test from guru ji to you. "Anand bhaya meri maye, satgur main paya", if you cry when you don't get what you want and laugh/party when you do get, then you're not experiencing anand (if you want to develop higher, spiritually, then that's a goal for you). Remember, "aape beej aape hi khaye". You should focus on what you do as you will get the fruits of your own actions. By you boiling up in anger, she will not stop. Talk to her politely with all the facts (society pressures included), ask her about the main reason as to why she's doing that. If you keep it inside yourself, things will not change. You guys should watch "chaar sahibzaade" together one night and realise what sikhi is all about, or read her some sakhis. She might get emotionally triggered and start to understand. However, in the end, it shouldn't bother you. Koi na je tusi kale ho ta, bhagat kabir ji, fareed ji, naam dev ji v ta kale c. Just follow guru's teachings. As guru ji continually says in gurbani, "gurprasad", which means we get god's praises by guru's Prasad, and only the lucky ones get it. You're indeed very lucky that you love gurbani so much and wanted an amritdhari wife but hey we don't always get what we wish for you. Just focus on you :) aaaand your child if you stay the strong sikh that you are and keep up with the marriage. Not all battles are fought in a battlefield! Jou to prem khelen ka chao, sir tar tali gali meri ao! Jao veer ji, make your marriage and yourself happy! :)

Watch this video:

Bhul chuk muaf karni ji. I'll be happy to talk to you if you need! Just keep calm and listen to gurbani, solutions come when you seek for answers with a clear mind. Nothing can be seen in boiling water.

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answered 2018-08-02 01:27:42 -0500

Kaur 88 gravatar image

Waheguru ji ka khalsa, waheguru ji ki fateh. Veerji, I understand your restlessness and anger due to your wife's failure of following Rehat. But I want to share something. I have also experienced this witg my husband and our situation was opposite to yours. We have been married for 6 yrs. We both are amritdhari sikhs, my husband does nt recite gurbani as much but still he ties a turban and follows the Rehat. Since last few months he has been pressurising me to remove facial hair as I had some hair growth on my chin recently. He even start avoiding going out with me as he said he's embarrassed. I have been firm in keeping my kes as they grow naturally. Our life is much more than outward appearance. I have been crying for so many days as I couldn't deal with my husband's rude behavior towards me . But I had faith "Gurusahib sap meri patt rakhange". All I prayed for whenever I did ardaas was that we always be able to follow this path we chose. And finally Gurusahib answered my prayer one day when I discussed with my husband how important it is for me to follow Rehat. It was a surprise as to how his matt changed overnight. Since that day he has never asked me to shave.

The reason I shared my story is I am sure if u leave it on Gurusahib he will definitely change your wife's views towards Rehat and Sikhi. Just keep asking for gursikhi jeevan in ur ardaas everytime and prayflr wife to understand girsikhi. When she herself will start falling in love with baani and love for Gurusahib, she would definitely follow his hukams without questioning . Also try to take her in sangat as much as u can. She has lived with people for whom trimming their eyebrows and other practices are so normal. Now Gurusahib has sent her to you. It's your duty to take her in the company of gursikhs and help her.
Lastly, I would request you never to think of leaving her or ending your life, as we have been wandering for ages after which Gurusahib blessed us with this human body which will help us to walk forward towards the guru. Don't let this life slip out of your hands so easily.
Just have some patience and faith in Gurusahib. He will definitely bless you and your family with gursikhi jeevan. I also want you to read Bhai Vir Singh ji's letters on a boom called 'patit ubaaran'. You MUST read them or listen to their audios available on YouTube. Bhul chuk maaf. Waheguru ji ka khalsa, waheguru ji ki fateh.

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Asked: 2018-05-24 15:35:27 -0500

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Last updated: Aug 02 '18