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How to stop family bickering?

asked 2017-02-19 19:22:43 -0600

sanjlon gravatar image

updated 2017-02-26 00:31:51 -0600

strongKaur gravatar image

How to stop family bickering and always at my faults, I have just my dear wife to cancer in November and they will just not BACK UP? they are always grinding me and making me feel completely inefficient. I am so depressed, I have been for many years due to illness and unemployment. and now being a widower and a father of 2 kids to look after, i never get any positive feedback at all! we started going to the Gurudwara on Sundays and my family says i am punishing the kids? And that too in front of them? I go there as a last resort and feel trapped everytime i am there, Please help what to do?

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answered 2017-02-19 22:08:11 -0600

strongKaur gravatar image

updated 2017-02-19 22:14:08 -0600

The way a family stops bickering is when the family all works on doing simran together and when the 5 (lust, anger, greed, attachment, pride) stop controlling us and we learn to stop our thoughts we can work in harmony. Family is supposed to be our sangat. Unfortunately lots of families these 5 have taken over and people are unable to get along. We cannot force other people to change or to work on themselves, but we can work on our own selves and limit our interactions with people who bring us down. Your wife was right that you should not bother to be angry and waste your energy arguing and fighting. At the same time, you don’t need to do what they want, you don't need to take the advice. Are they living with you? If they aren't then its simple, you raise the kids how you want. If they are part of the caregiving though then it makes it trickier and you kind of have to work together to some extent. You are doing your best. You don’t need people in your life who are bringing you down right now, its hard enough when you just lost your wife. Just try to understand that perhaps they are feeling their own grief and that they have their own point of view, and leave it as that. Don’t try to argue with them, you don’t need to listen, you just do the best in taking care of your kids.

I think it is excellent that you are going to the Gurdwara, and your family is wrong to discourage that. They can live however they want but you don’t need to follow them. There are lots of positive things about brining your kids to the Gurdwara- like learning about Sikhism, support, maybe friendship with other kids or positive female role models (which may be especially important for them right now), etc. Importantly for you right now it may be hard to plan meals and you get to have some of your meals be langar instead of at other people’s houses or take-out meals, etc. It doesn’t need to be a last resort, this is what the Gurdwara is for and this is the purpose of sangat. Do you feel trapped when you are there because your family is telling you not to go?

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answered 2017-02-21 07:33:09 -0600

sanjlon gravatar image

Many thanks for your answer, You have looked at everything quite well ans assessed the situation very well, I split from my elder sister and made a new place with my wife 8 yrs ago, but at the moment i take my younger son to have his hair done as he has long hair and my wife always wanted him to be a Sikh, I try and go there 1or 2x a week in the evening as my mother has come from another country to help me but she prefers to live at my sisters house just down the road, My son says when my mother is doing his hair she is pulling it alot and he starts crying, they will not listen to him so i am really stuck, my son will not anyone touch his hair, but still we have to wash and comb it anyway. I have done waht you say, check the situation and if it is heading for conflict i leave, or stop talking, If there were dealing with grief like this then it must be horrible as they are talking badly to my son and shouting as well, i am trying to control the situation but they make it worse, I must do like you say about meal time and as i do some cooking i can find ways around it and not have to go there alot, i feel horrible when a older person is telling or giving a kid the wrong idea? how do u tell a kid that you parent is punishing you? and that too for taking them to the Gurudwara? This Gurudwara in Slough is excellent they do the kirtan in English and many many times they break into Waheguru Jap, it is so beautiful. Many thanks for your reply and advice. Strong Kaur!

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no problem. as for the hair, is your sister able to do his hair instead of your mum? Maybe buying a soft brush/no hard bristles might help?

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2017-02-23 01:10:01 -0600 )edit

My sister can but my son has very sensitive hair, I have now 2 brushes for him to use. Will keep up the effort! Thanks

sanjlon gravatar imagesanjlon ( 2017-03-13 17:09:24 -0600 )edit

Dear StrongKaur, I need help, My family has succeeded in bringing differences between me and my 13yrs old by telling me infront of them that if i am taking the children to the Gurudwara for 2-3 hrs i am punishing them, the older one refuses to go to the Gurdwara and says i have homework!

sanjlon gravatar imagesanjlon ( 2017-04-07 16:08:41 -0600 )edit

thats awful. I think you have a couple of options: talk to your older child, ask about how they feel about the gurdwara, talk to them about what the Gurdwara means to our history: its a place of comfort, shelter and education. maybe if there are kids his age you can introduce them at the gurdwara.

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2017-04-09 00:14:22 -0600 )edit

thats awful. I think you have a couple of options: talk to your older child, ask about how they feel about the gurdwara, talk to them about what the Gurdwara means to our history: its a place of comfort, shelter and education. maybe if there are kids their age you can introduce them at the gurdwara.

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2017-04-09 00:14:35 -0600 )edit

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Asked: 2017-02-19 19:22:43 -0600

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Last updated: Feb 21 '17