I’m not amritdhari, but I can definitely relate to the feelings you expressed. There was a time when I had the “heart not fully involved” feeling, pressure from disappointing others, and feeling numb, all related to a depression. Although my circumstances were different, the feelings are the same because that’s what depression does. I think everyone’s journey is kind of individual so it’s hard for someone to say what is right for you. We have to work our way through with Guru Ji’s help. I can see that you have a lot of insight in recognizing that repressing your emotions has caused you to sit in a depression. The thing about emotions is the more we push them down, they take a toll in other ways, like physical and mental health. It is important to be able to talk about what you are going through with someone. Do you have someone like that in your life?
I moved from the worst darkness in my life to the closest I have ever been to God, so I will reassure you that it is possible. It takes time but it happens. It is important to recognize to take small steps now and accept that you are where you are right now, and that’s okay.
In terms of inspiration for Sikhi, I am wondering whether you are in a community with other Amritdharis. I found it quite isolating growing up, even as a non-amritdhari, as one of the only visible minorities in my school. It may help to find sangat either online or in person at camps or the Gurdwara to find people to really relate to, inspire you, and help you find your way.
What other people think actually doesn’t matter. You aren’t a disappointment. You are simply struggling with figuring out who you are which is a period that most young people struggle with, but especially if you struggle with bullying, etc. I think that you should take the pressure off, first of all, of trying to please other people and be perfect. It’s a heavy burden to carry. It is easier said than done, which is why I talked about this being an individual journey of figuring out the things that are holding you back from being who you are inside, a part of God. You will figure it out with time. Speak to Guru Ji in your Ardas, and read the Hukamanas to hear the advice for your life. You’ll make it through this.
