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Still in love with amritdhari ex

asked 2017-09-06 00:31:00 -0600

depressedvisionary gravatar image

updated 2017-09-07 12:51:31 -0600

Guruka Singh gravatar image

I am a sixteen year old Sikh (not amritdhari) and fell in love with a twenty year old guy who happened to be amritdhari. We indulged in sexual activities, thinking we were going to marry each other. A month ago he had broke up with me, and told me he was going to wait till I am 18 till we date. A few days after the break up, he went to a camp and developed strong feelings for another girl. I tore my hear in half. He finally got the guts to ask her out after talking to her nonstop for a bit more than a month, and now they have been dating for a little more than a week. This tears my heart out everytime. I really love this guy. I know I might seem young, but I'm very mature. This guy seemed to be extremely knowlegdable about SIkhi. like VERY!! And is looked highly in the Seattle community for that and his efforts towards charity. I still really miss him. He means the wolrd to me. I know its wrong to look at someones elses man. But its relaly hard to move on that fast. They say that if you do ardas with 100% faith in GUruji, it comes true. I want to marry this man...We dated for almost 11 months. Engluged in sexual pleasures, which makes me very nervous to be with someone else other than him because of it, and he was my best friend. We shared every insecurity with each other. It hurts seeing him move on in just a couple days...I really love him. Will Waheguru answer my ardas?

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answered 2017-09-06 03:29:49 -0600

strongKaur gravatar image

Maybe rather than praying for a specific outcome pray for God’s grace or direction or Naam. The reason I say this is sometimes what we pray for brings us in the wrong direction, or ends up hurting us and God is protecting us when we don’t get that. So rather, leave it up to God. I didn’t used to understand this when I was 16, but there is a big difference between 16 and 20. And you’ll say but there’s still a 4 yr difference when you are 20 and he is 24 and that’s acceptable then why isn’t it if you are 16 and he is 20. I’m saying that it’s not the age difference itself but rather that at age 16 you still have a lot of growing to do. The brain is still growing, you still have a lot to experience in life.

The sexual stuff always makes breakups a lot harder. I know you miss him and love him. Give yourself some time to get over the sadness of the breakup. I would suggest really trying to keep yourself busy and connecting with your inner self. Work on your connection to God. Think about your life and your goals in life and how to achieve them. Is there a way for you to not hang around him for now? Obviously the fact that he’s dating someone else is going to really hurt. I agree, it’s hard to move on that fast! In the blink of an eye he’s with someone else. Which is why I would question his original feelings/why he broke up and how he could move on so fast. In my opinion it’s really mean of him to be flaunting this relationship in front of you. You deserve to be loved and cared for, and you will one day.

I understand your nervousness of being sexual with someone else. It’s a big deal to share that level of intimacy with someone, especially as a young woman. (of course there’s the risks of STIs and getting pregnant that we all have to think about). But I think you shouldn’t worry about how to start over with someone else right now. Like focus now on yourself, and what you need to feel healthy emotionally and mentally. Think about how to balance out those feelings of kaam. There’s a ton of posts about that on this website. And think about how to plan better for a long-term relationship for when next time comes along.

Maybe you will be together one day, maybe you won't. But i think you shouldn't obsess about that, but rather focus on how to make yourself feel better for the time being. God will let you know when the time is right. I'm saying this of course knowing that right now the pain is fresh and its gonna take you a long ... (more)

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Ya. I haven't been hanging around him. And he stopped texting me ever since our break. He blocked me on all social media platforms besides Skype.

depressedvisionary gravatar imagedepressedvisionary ( 2017-09-06 12:38:34 -0600 )edit

He is still refusing to tell his girl about the sexual stuff between him. He says "its not the right time". But I feel hes doing that until the girl gets so attached to him that she refuses to leave him. or maybe that's just be. He told me the girl is quite shy.

depressedvisionary gravatar imagedepressedvisionary ( 2017-09-06 12:38:49 -0600 )edit

Also, should I tell his parents what he did to me?

depressedvisionary gravatar imagedepressedvisionary ( 2017-09-06 12:38:59 -0600 )edit

Why is he telling you what he is telling her or even talking to you about her at all? That's his choice what he wants to tell her, but it's also your choice on what you choose to tell her!

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2017-09-06 19:03:21 -0600 )edit

sorry i'd made the assumption your parents knew… It's a complicated one because I dont know your parents and therefore how they will react but for any parent to know that happen, I suspect is not going to go well. On the other hand, being honest might help you feel better ... (see next)

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2017-09-06 19:06:30 -0600 )edit

answered 2017-09-07 14:18:10 -0600

gn gravatar image

updated 2017-09-07 16:28:42 -0600

Guruka Singh gravatar image

You need to be careful, you are very young and need to move on from this guy. This guy might have seemed knowledgeable and a good Sikh, but his actions show otherwise. If he engaged in sexual activities with anyone he is no longer Amritdari. You need time to actually understand yourself, you my think your mature but when you get older you will realise that you weren't.

Why do you want to marry a guy who didn't stay true to his word and moved on in an instant?

As Sikhs we are meant to refrain from sexual relations before and outside of marriage. As StrongKaur said, ask for other things like ma'am or path. Do paath, keep faith in Guru Ji and try to move on, I know it will take time and be difficult but just keep faith and do things you enjoy. I'm in my early twenties and I can tell you that people don't know what they want in their future partners, your only 16 and have decided who you want to marry with out going through adult years of life.

This video might be of help

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i like what you said about people not knowing what they want in future partners. some people realize this too late. it takes a while to realize what it takes to make a long long-lasting relationship, personal values, goals, what you expect from each other, etc.

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2017-09-08 01:22:21 -0600 )edit

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Asked: 2017-09-06 00:31:00 -0600

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Last updated: Sep 07 '17