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Growing distant from sikhi, please help.

asked 2017-04-25 07:09:31 -0500

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This may be a long post, sorry.

Okay so for a little background, I took amrit in year 7 and I dont know what i was thinking when i did but i felt like it was the right thing to do. No-one in my family is amritdhari, and my parents are conservative etc, like any brown parents.

I'm turning 21 this year, and I honestly have started to feel no connection with sikhi. When i first took amrit, i had no idea how to maintain rehat and be a good sikh, i though id figure it all out as time goes by, but clearly it was the wrong choice. In these last few years, since i was like 16 or 17 maybe, the disconnection has grown and its starting to scare me because i dont want to be this way. im not even an amritdhari anymore tbh, ive eaten things with egg (cakes n stuff, i honestly cannot help it), ive given into kaam (no boyfriends or sex but yknow, porn etc.), i never do paath and i dont like going to the gurudwara (because i have this fear of crowds, and seeing people i used to know). So i need some help, i can't talk to people around me, the people in my city because I dont want them knowing things about me.

I barely do paath, and its not even about forgetting it, nowadays i dont even feel like doing it anymore, and the guilt of not doing it slowly slipping away too. But theres this constant thought at the back of my mind, i keep telling myself that if i want to be happy i need to pray and stop procrastinating and etc, but its hard man. I am given opportunities to pray, (when ur mum tells you to do paath) and i waste that away too, i just sit there, or get distracted whilst im praying. obviously other problems like general anxiety, and self hate and insecurities n shit have played a role in my distancing myself from sikhi ( in relation to going to the gurudwara), but i really dont want it to be that way. And its horrible when my parents are like, 'yeah my daughter is amritdhari as well" and etc, because its all for show, i am nothing like what a sikh is supposed to be.

I feel like this is affecting my life in general, i dont feel at peace anymore, i have no direction in life, i dont know what i want to be, uni is depressing, i waste my time procrastinating instead of getting things done. Sorry for the long as post (and any typos) and being repetitive, just wanted to get my point cleared out. Any advice is appreciated.

Thankyou!

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answered 2017-04-25 11:36:46 -0500

Gurmukh singh gravatar image

updated 2017-04-25 11:42:18 -0500

Wjkk wjkf. First of all be calm . This is very appreciable that you' ve realized ur disconnection state so you should bs thankful to God. Just stop hating urself and start doing paath by reading it with meanings. Listen katha , shabad kirtan as it will help u a lot. Do ardaas for your mistakes honestly and for forgiveness. Restart your life happily . As more you gain knowledge about gurbani , teachings of our gurus builds connection . I think it may help u. If any other confusion i' ll surely try to help u.

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answered 2017-04-25 14:08:54 -0500

strongKaur gravatar image

Hey, it’s okay, keep working at it. Remind yourself you made a commitment and now take small steps everyday to get to where you would like to be. Have you tried going away to camps or meeting new sangat? It can be very inspirational and help you revive that love for Sikhi to see other people who are passionate about it. I don’t know if your fear of crowds may get in the way though. I can’t say much about the fear of crowds except that for many fears, exposure therapy helps and has helped me overcome some of my fears. Where you basically start off just thinking about the thing you are afraid of and learn to manage the anxiety of thinking about it. Then you slowly build up say to spending time around a couple of people, then going to the Gurdwara when it’s not busy/empty. Then combine the above. I don’t think you made a wrong choice, it just maybe wasn’t a choice that you were ready to make at that time and you made it not knowing the level of responsibility required. That’s okay. Now you do know what is required, and just slowly work on it. It’ll take time and it won’t happen overnight but you can do it. Don’t despair that you aren’t there yet. Work on one thing at a time. No one is perfect, we are all working on our weaknesses. So choose a goal. Your goal could be for example, that you are going to start with doing a little bit of simran each day, or do Japji each day. Then you can build up. Or start doing sewa. A Sikh is a learner. Just keep trying to learn each day. I think that the guilt of not being who you think you are supposed to be is hurting you right now. Accept yourself for where you are right now instead of where you need to be. Sikhi is very functional. It applies to our life. So find lines from the Guru Granth Sahib that motivate you and write them down. Or try to understand the meaning of the prayers instead of just reading them. You aren’t alone in your struggles. A lot of people are going through the same thing. It’s hard to get anywhere when the task feelings absolutely overwhelming. So just choose one goal this week. Just one. And work on it. See where you are at the end of the week. It does sound like you are quite depressed on top of the anxiety and insecurities. Try to focus on what you are doing well at this point. Make a list of your good qualities and remind yourself. Maybe find a hobby that really makes you feel good. Going to uni is a hard time of transition and it can be especially hard if we are being pressured to make decisions about your ... (more)

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Asked: 2017-04-25 07:09:31 -0500

Seen: 225 times

Last updated: Apr 25 '17