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When i initially began doing meditation it was to get away from pain. Now although my inner state has improved gradually, i still dont let myself get happy, i hold on to a little bit of pain so that it makes the meditation more intense (does it make sense to someone?) like i focus i some thing very painful to me and make that feeling very intense so that i can enjoy meditaton that much more.and my prayers become intense and i feel like i am strengthening the relationship with god even more ^is this an unhealthy pattern?

When i initially began doing meditation it was to get away from pain. Now although my inner state has improved gradually, i still dont let myself get happy, i hold on to a little bit of pain so that it makes the meditation more intense (does it make sense to someone?) like i focus i some thing very painful to me and make that feeling very intense so that i can enjoy meditaton that much more.and my prayers become intense and i feel like i am strengthening the relationship with god even more ^is this an unhealthy pattern?