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First of all, stop worrying about punishment and sins. Before you can move forwards, you need to drop the "woe is me, I am a big sinner" way of thinking. Whatever led up to this moment happened. Reasons don't matter. The only thing that matters is what you do now.

You say, "Sikhism is in my heart..." Okay, start there. Open your heart and just start walking on the path of your Sikhi. Begin small and build up. Get up 30 minutes earlier and use that time for pranayam, meditation and banis. Even if you start with just one Bani and do it out loud with full heart. Give up the Amritdhari/non-Amritdhari duality in your thinking. It's not a black or white situation. Just begin living what is in your heart. Just get started and don't look back. The more you come into harmony with yourself, the Seva that Guruji wishes you to do will become apparent to you. Take it one step at a time and keep on walking.

First of all, stop worrying about punishment and sins. Before you can move forwards, you need to drop the "woe is me, I am a big sinner" way of thinking. Whatever led up to this moment happened. Reasons don't matter. The only thing that matters is what you do now.

You say, "Sikhism is in my heart..." Okay, start there. Open your heart and just start walking on the path of your Sikhi. Begin small and build up. Get up 30 minutes earlier and use that time for pranayam, meditation and banis. Even if you start with just one Bani and do it out loud with full heart. As you become firm in your practice the time you devote to it will increase. Give up the Amritdhari/non-Amritdhari duality in your thinking. It's not a black or white situation. Just begin living what is in your heart. Just get started and don't look back. The more you come into harmony with yourself, the Seva that Guruji wishes you to do will become apparent to you. Take it one step at a time and keep on walking.