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Hi, You aren’t a bad sister. It sounds more like you were so greatly concerned and perhaps a little overprotective. Okay here’s the deal- have you had a discussion with her about your problems with him? That’s important for her to make an accurate picture about him in her head (I’m assuming from your wording that she’s still with him). It is understandable that you were frustrated because it seems like you essentially thought you were losing your sister to this guy, and you didn’t think it was a good relationship.

It really is a big breech of trust for you to be so invasive and read her text messages. Firstly, I would recommend you never do that again. Those are her private messages. Can you imagine her spying on you? That’s not a nice feeling. I can understand your rationale, but it really isn’t good to break trust. Second, you also need to realize that it’s her life, and she has the right to make decisions about who she dates. A lot of older siblings tend to be like a mini-parent to their siblings. If your parents have concerns they could talk to her themselves. I can understand you want to protect her from making a mistake. You can do that by having a discussion about what you think, but ultimately it’s important you tell her that she is free to choose whatever she wants and you will stand by her no matter what. This is extremely extremely important. You stand by and love your sister no matter what- you need to both tell her and show her. This is because threatening and forcing people ends in poor outcomes. She is going to feel trapped if she is forced to break up with him because of you, and like you are making the decisions instead of her, and for the rest of her life she may wonder if it would have worked out- you will be the person she will blame. Instead, you could just express the concerns and let her choose. Let her see who he is and whether she is okay with that. If he’s really a jerk, she will need a lot of support from her family to turn to when things don’t work out. Lastly, forcing her hand, might cause her to feel like she needs to hide the relationship or bring her closer to him. Making a relationship a secret makes it even more dangerous and harder for her to get help.

Now as to what happened with the friend situation. I can totally get why you’d tell your friends. I’ve had things I’ve said to my friends because I needed to vent at the time and then later thought, wow I wish I had said nothing because its like someone is holding your secrets. A real friend is really never going to compromise their relationship and they would never say anything. I think it’s safe with them. You do have the option of telling her yourself that you read her messages. That would free up your guilty conscience but I suspect she will be very angry and quite untrusting of you and given your mental state right now it might not be the best option for you. You can always do it later if you feel you want to.

Lastly, shame is a really tough feeling. There is really nothing to be ashamed of. What you did is because you loved your sister, you are not a bad person. You just made a mistake, but it was out of an instinctive desire to protect her. For safety reasons I’m going to mention that if you are in danger you can call a crisis line or go to the ER/ call 9-1-1. Safety planning for suicide includes writing down steps to calm down, reasons to live, people you can call, etc. The situation is not hopeless, despite how it feels. Life can and will be better. I know you are struggling with a lot of emotional pain right now. Try to find someone to talk to, or journal about it.

hope that helps.

Hi, You aren’t a bad sister. It sounds more like you were so greatly concerned and perhaps a little overprotective. Okay here’s the deal- have you had a discussion with her about your problems with him? That’s important for her to make an accurate picture about him in her head (I’m assuming from your wording that she’s still with him). It is understandable that you were frustrated because it seems like you essentially thought you were losing your sister to this guy, and you didn’t think it was a good relationship.

It really is a big breech of trust for you to be so invasive and read her text messages. Firstly, I would recommend you never do that again. Those are her private messages. Can you imagine her spying on you? That’s not a nice feeling. I can understand your rationale, but it really isn’t good to break trust. Second, you also need to realize that it’s her life, and she has the right to make decisions about who she dates. A lot of older siblings tend to be like a mini-parent to their siblings. If your parents have concerns they could talk to her themselves. I can understand you want to protect her from making a mistake. You can do that by having a discussion about what you think, but ultimately it’s important you tell her that she is free to choose whatever she wants and you will stand by her no matter what. This is extremely extremely important. You stand by and love your sister no matter what- you need to both tell her and show her. This is because threatening and forcing people ends in poor outcomes. She is going to feel trapped if she is forced to break up with him because of you, and like you are making the decisions instead of her, and for the rest of her life she may wonder if it would have worked out- you will be the person she will blame. Instead, you could just express the concerns and let her choose. Let her see who he is and whether she is okay with that. If he’s really a jerk, she will need a lot of support from her family to turn to when things don’t work out. Lastly, forcing her hand, might cause her to feel like she needs to hide the relationship or bring her closer to him. Making a relationship a secret makes it even more dangerous and harder for her to get help.

Now as to what happened with the friend situation. I can totally get why you’d tell your friends. I’ve had things I’ve said to my friends because I needed to vent at the time and then later thought, wow I wish I had said nothing because its like someone is holding your secrets. A real friend is really never going to compromise their relationship and they would never say anything. I think it’s safe with them. You do have the option of telling her yourself that you read her messages. That would free up your guilty conscience but I suspect she will be very angry and quite untrusting of you and given your mental state right now it might not be the best option for you. You can always do it later if you feel you want to.

Lastly, shame is a really tough feeling. There is really nothing to be ashamed of. What you did is because you loved your sister, you are not a bad person. You just made a mistake, but it was out of an instinctive desire to protect her. For safety reasons I’m going to mention that if you are in danger you can call a crisis line or go to the ER/ call 9-1-1. Safety planning for suicide includes writing down steps to calm down, reasons to live, people you can call, etc. The situation is not hopeless, despite how it feels. Life can and will be better. I know you are struggling with a lot of emotional pain right now. Try to find someone to talk to, or journal about it. Feeling trapped is sometimes what leads people to feel desperate. Remember you have choices and options, always.

hope that helps.

Hi, You aren’t a bad sister. sister! It sounds more like you were so greatly concerned and perhaps a little overprotective. Okay here’s the deal- have That sounds like a good sister to me. Have you had a discussion with her about your problems with him? That’s important for her to make an accurate picture about him in her head (I’m assuming from your wording that she’s still with him). It is understandable that you were frustrated because it seems like you essentially thought you were losing your sister to this guy, and you didn’t think it was a good relationship.

It really is a big breech of trust for you to be so invasive and read her text messages. Firstly, I would recommend you never do that again. Those are her private messages. Can you imagine her spying on you? That’s not a nice feeling. I can understand your rationale, but it really isn’t good to break trust. Second, you also need to realize that it’s her life, and she has the right to make decisions about who she dates. A lot of older siblings tend to be like a mini-parent to their siblings. If your parents have concerns they could talk to her themselves. I can understand you want to protect her from making a mistake. You can do that by having a discussion about what you think, but ultimately it’s important you tell her that she is free to choose whatever she wants and you will stand by her no matter what. This is extremely extremely important. You stand by and love your sister no matter what- you need to both tell her and show her. This is because threatening and forcing people ends in poor outcomes. She is going to feel trapped if she is forced to break up with him because of you, and like you are making the decisions instead of her, and for the rest of her life she may wonder if it would have worked out- you will be the person she will blame. Instead, you could just express the concerns and let her choose. Let her see who he is and whether she is okay with that. If he’s really a jerk, she will need a lot of support from her family to turn to when things don’t work out. Lastly, forcing her hand, might cause her to feel like she needs to hide the relationship or bring her closer to him. Making a relationship a secret makes it even more dangerous and harder for her to get help.

Now as to what happened with the friend situation. I can totally get why you’d tell your friends. I’ve had things I’ve said to my friends because I needed to vent at the time and then later thought, wow I wish I had said nothing because its like someone is holding your secrets. A real friend is really never going to compromise their relationship and they would never say anything. I think it’s safe with them. You do have the option of telling her yourself that you read her messages. That would free up your guilty conscience but I suspect she will be very angry and quite untrusting of you and given your mental state right now it might not be the best option for you. You can always do it later if you feel you want to.

Lastly, shame is a really tough feeling. There is really nothing to be ashamed of. What you did is because you loved your sister, you are not a bad person. You just made a mistake, but it was out of an instinctive desire to protect her. For safety reasons I’m going to mention that if you are in danger you can call a crisis line or go to the ER/ call 9-1-1. Safety planning for suicide includes writing down steps to calm down, reasons to live, people you can call, etc. The situation is not hopeless, despite how it feels. Life can and will be better. I know you are struggling with a lot of emotional pain right now. Try to find someone to talk to, or journal about it. Feeling trapped is sometimes what leads people to feel desperate. Remember you have choices and options, always.

hope that helps.