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2017-04-25 07:09:31 -0500 asked a question Growing distant from sikhi, please help.

This may be a long post, sorry.

Okay so for a little background, I took amrit in year 7 and I dont know what i was thinking when i did but i felt like it was the right thing to do. No-one in my family is amritdhari, and my parents are conservative etc, like any brown parents.

I'm turning 21 this year, and I honestly have started to feel no connection with sikhi. When i first took amrit, i had no idea how to maintain rehat and be a good sikh, i though id figure it all out as time goes by, but clearly it was the wrong choice. In these last few years, since i was like 16 or 17 maybe, the disconnection has grown and its starting to scare me because i dont want to be this way. im not even an amritdhari anymore tbh, ive eaten things with egg (cakes n stuff, i honestly cannot help it), ive given into kaam (no boyfriends or sex but yknow, porn etc.), i never do paath and i dont like going to the gurudwara (because i have this fear of crowds, and seeing people i used to know). So i need some help, i can't talk to people around me, the people in my city because I dont want them knowing things about me.

I barely do paath, and its not even about forgetting it, nowadays i dont even feel like doing it anymore, and the guilt of not doing it slowly slipping away too. But theres this constant thought at the back of my mind, i keep telling myself that if i want to be happy i need to pray and stop procrastinating and etc, but its hard man. I am given opportunities to pray, (when ur mum tells you to do paath) and i waste that away too, i just sit there, or get distracted whilst im praying. obviously other problems like general anxiety, and self hate and insecurities n shit have played a role in my distancing myself from sikhi ( in relation to going to the gurudwara), but i really dont want it to be that way. And its horrible when my parents are like, 'yeah my daughter is amritdhari as well" and etc, because its all for show, i am nothing like what a sikh is supposed to be.

I feel like this is affecting my life in general, i dont feel at peace anymore, i have no direction in life, i dont know what i want to be, uni is depressing, i waste my time procrastinating instead of getting things done. Sorry for the long as post (and any typos) and being repetitive, just wanted to get my point cleared out. Any advice is appreciated.