d k's profile - activity

Can I ever be healed as nearly 45 years have passed since I used to have a feeling of connection with Waheguru or some spirituality in me. Is this the punishment of my sins that I am devoid of any connection with God? Has this condition resulted from not fulfilling the 'mannats' at Gurdwara? What does the Sikh philosophy say about 'doing mannats' and then not 'fulfilling' them?

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I am unable to feel the oneness with God.I have a feeling as if I am spiritually dead. As even when I am praying even at that moment I am unable to have a sense of God. 'Matha tek' is also an empty thing for me as i do not feel the essence of God in it. I am dry in doing the matha tek or listening to lirtan or doing 'paath'.

I took my children abroad for studies after tenth and twelfth against the wishes of my husband and in laws. one became a doctor and other became an engineer. But within their very first jobs both my children failed miserably.They both not only failed in their careers but also in life. One has become gay and we don't know about his whereabouts and the other one is not able to get married even after attempts of six years. Both my children were born to me with Sri Guru Ramdas Ji's blessings and 'mannats' I had made at Darbar Sahib. But I forgot the difficult times when I was issueless and used to cry all the time. I forgot all about the 'mannats' I had made at Sri Darbar Sahib for these children and tred against the wishes of my God fearing husband. I have lost peace of mind as I have ruined my family with my own hands. I can not even do the 'paath' not even do the 'matha tek' as my conscience has become so guilty. I am so full of negative thoughts that I never smile. I get afraid while doing paath when it says about 'jaisa beejey so lunhey'. I can't read the bani because when I understand the meanings I become very very fearful. I have realized that there is no sound in 'Rab di Laathi'. Can some body pray for me as I am unable to even do 'ardaas' as my mind is so full of negativity that I can not even say my prayers. Is there any hope of redemption for me?