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Social anxiety inner torture

Ive been bullied as a kid, didn't talk much through out high shool, didn't develop those deep friendship relationships with people. I was very insecure, felt very isolated & was vulnerable. Then I was blessed with Sikhi when I started attending sangat listening to Sant Baba Baldev Singh Ji from Balandpuri. It has made me into a much more stronger person but I still have some social anxiety. I can't carry on a meaningful conversation, I'm not a fun person to be around, I can't be myself around people. In large groups of people I feel like I am living in the past again, I get totally quiet, I feel unwanted. My cousin got married last year and while everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, being social, talking about a variety of topics, sports, news, etc. I felt all alone, some people tried talking to me, but I couldn't carry on a conversation, I was only able to reply with a couple words back and couldn't think of anything else to say. This is inner torture to me, sometimes I feel suicidal. I don't see the point of living, people don't seem to have this problem at all. There are such complex people who can talk about such complex topics, using technical vocabulary to articulate deep sentences. I can understand everything people say, I just cant think of anything to talk about. I feel like this is a disorder called Expressive language disorder, I read a lot but I can't seem to remember words, I can't seem to express my train of thoughts into proper speech. I don't feel like returning missed calls, I try to avoid social situations as much as possible. I have no social life. How am I suppose to make any friends like this? How am I suppose to find a women? How can I have a successful entrepreneurial career I've always wanted like this? How long will I live through this torture?