Why are these thoughts happening?

Sat nam!

I'll be quick and to the point with this post, although I could go on forever with this, and it might have to be approached in a strange manner. This question has to do with a state of mind/being I can feel I'm in that I can't entirely comprehend (there is a question at the end, promise!). A month and a half ago I had this experience that had transformed me completely and entirely, a kind of experience that felt like something 'terrifying' was ripped out of my abdomen and taken away. This time was a time of great pain for me, lots of confusion and immense fear and sadness, which had plagued me in the past. I've always been a contemplative person, always begged in my head for Guru ji to absorb me one day, and the second I felt that dark blindness rip itself away, there was an indescribable peace, like a warmth and light embracing me and accepting and revealing my love, and I could literally 'see' in the way of feeling, hands holding onto mine. It's impossible to describe but this is as close as I can get.

Well, a few weeks later I left to college and through another series of events, it felt as if I was walking on clouds or was carried in a sling, and after that everything began to literally glow--the ek ong kar came to life in everything, in songs, words, voices, faces, flowers, anything, I suppose. Indescribable! It's still the same to this day. I also started to realize things that had happened in my past, how everything fit together as one large puzzle, and recognized the signs were there in my whole life, and how Guru ji was quietly shaping me and I was too afraid to recognize it.

The connection I know I have is impossible to describe and I don't think I will try, but there's something I don't understand that's happening. For some reason, there's still some dark voice, some odd voice that keeps screaming terrible things about me, Guru ji, anything I care about and love, a voice that used to make me want to vomit constantly from fear, although now I feel immense peace constantly. It's like some echo of the thing that was ripped away. Should I just ignore it? I feel like every time I hear it I have to stop to hit myself, pinch myself or freeze up or scream back internally to make the echo fade away. I know for certain that I should ignore it, that it's not attached to my conscious at all, but is there any particular shabad I can do that will make the ache go away? I love Guru ji with every inch of my being, because He is my being and every being, infinity and beyond. I just wish my mind or whatever that is that says ... (more)