I left 5 Ks at the age of 14-15 (11 years ago) and today there is no happiness in my life. Is this the punishment of what I did?
During my childhood, I was very fond of my cousin, who was my age and was my buddy. One day (16-17 years ago), he and my real brother went to Shri Harmandir Sahib and became Amritdharis. After 1 or 2 years, I also became Amritdhari (copying my cousin). After that, I was happy to again share the same food plate with my cousin and to be counted as an "Amritdhari" just like him. It was really a copy just to satisfy myself that I am exactly like my dear cousin.
3-4 years down my life after that, I started feeling guilty because my classmates would tell me that they could never become Amritdharis as it needs one to be bound to a lot of strict rules of religion. I also missed eating non-veg. food. I was drowning in guilt. Then, one evening, I removed my kirpan and slept without it. My brother discovered that and confronted me. He and my mother declared that it wouldn't be right to force me back into wearing the 5 Ks. They let me go.
Sin 1 I consider: I left my Amritdhari life. Sin 2 I consider: In 2012, I cut my hair to pursue the acting field. I convinced my family to cut my hair. Sin 3 I consider: I had secretly consumed a small piece of meat while wearing Kirpan.
I did all this as a kid (or teenager). Nobody ever sat with me to make me realize that I was doing wrong.
Since school, I have been alone (absolutely 0 friends), I have never been able to connect with people. Post-school, my life worsened. I got caught up in depression, anxiety and anything which distanced me from society even more. Today I am 26, and my life, my career, my relations, nothing is sorted.
For many years, I have considered that this could be a punishment for how I played with the divine principles of my religion. I consider myself a big sinner for this.
Can anybody help me? How can I be forgiven? Sikhism is in my heart and I would do whatever it takes to be forgiven.