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Do I have any options?

asked 2018-07-08 14:09:45 -0600

anonymous user


updated 2018-07-10 16:39:07 -0600

Guruka Singh gravatar image

Hello, I'm a Punjabi college student who was raised in the US. Although I was brought up as Sikh, I feel like I know nothing about being a Sikh. I'm sorry.

My parents listen to gurbani and all, but i have never seen a family as miserable as mine. My dad drinks and hates his situation (getting married, having kids, wishes my cousins were his own kids), my mom puts up with abuse from him and has some health issues and really regrets me. I have never been allowed to have friends, not even other desi kids. I have few social skills and stay at home, devoting all of my time and energy into school as a distraction. My brother doesn't have any friends either and spends all of his time at home. He's so introverted that he doesn't even speak to my parents. I'm concerned about his mental health. Our cousins don't talk to us and they're allowed to have friends and socialize with other people. They don't even study or do anything to be successful, but my parents say they're still better than us. I feel really lonely all the time. I have no one to talk to.

My mom doesn't even like to talk to me. My dad told me I should've been killed as a baby. My mom says I'm worthless and I won't amount to anything even though I'm a good student. Today she called me a kutti for an hour and threw her phone at me because I was jealous she was going to spend time with my aunt. Whenever I ask to spend time with her, she says she has to work. She never takes me to any events and gets agitated at the thought of spending time with me. I think she sees my brother (my parents say he's a great kid compared to me, but he's completely mute) and I as burdens to her life because my dad emotionally abuses her so we're a bridge between them that she has the responsibility of taking care of.

We're not like other Punjabi families that go to weddings and birthday parties. My dad is always bitter so he has few friends and hates everyone. He has thrown a shot glass at my uncle's head during his wedding. He drove under the influence with us and crashed into a truck. Why? My brother, mom, and I were at my uncle's pind after his wedding. My dad came drunkenly, accused her of cheating, and crashed into a big truck on the way back to his village (on my side of the car). We never go anywhere anymore. My mom is just happy she gets to hang out with my aunt all the time so she can avoid me. My mom told me I'm like her second husband, preventing her from enjoying life.

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answered 2018-07-08 16:45:18 -0600

strongKaur gravatar image

My dear friend, I am sorry to hear of your situation. I think this is a toxic home environment. Is it possible for you to go? To live with some family far away? To move out and live on your own? To make some excuse to get a college education elsewhere? To go visit someone and then just stay there? To continue to live in a house where you are abused is going to damage you and your brother’s mental health. How old is your brother? I think you need to get him some help too by mentioning his situation as well to whoever you go to for help.

I can understand that perhaps it may even be dangerous or not a possibility for you to leave yet. There are still options. I would suggest a few things. #1. Go to a doctor. Doctors have many resources. You can make any excuse to go see one, but I am worried about your mental health. They can connect you with a counsellor and social worker who can help you. The social worker can help you find a place to live. The Dr can also help to monitor and teach skills on how to care for your mental health. By law, they are not allowed to tell your parents what you said. You definitely sound like you have depression so going to a dr. is a good step. 2. Call a helpline. For yourself call If your brother is under 18 call #3. Going to the police is always an option as well as they can also connect you with resources. I think that many people are nervous about this but the police provides options to protect you. Please consider this. I’m especially worried about your dad’s behaviour as an alcoholic. #4. Use the support of Gurbani. You’re right your parents are totally hypocritical and aren’t following Sikhi at all. I want you to start to understand Gurbani. It can really be a big support. Stand and listen to this ardas, and then take a hukamnama here: understand what is being written and each day read one page of the Guru Granth Sahib Ji online. I think this will really help you to get some support. It will offer your mind support. I like to also read history of brave Kaurs Try to do something for your body and mind in terms of exercise. If you are stuck at home, then try learning yoga in your bedroom. Ideally you would go out and do something that helps you meet people but I know that might not be possible for you right now. hopefully you can enrol in a class at some point.

Your mom sounds like she is quite ... (more)

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Thanks for the reply and encouragement. My brother is 18. He isn't very independent for his age. My mom still trims his toenails. He gets agitated easily towards me, but I'm the only person he talks to. He hasn't left the house in a long time. I don't know what I can do for him anymore.

verysad gravatar imageverysad ( 2018-07-10 21:06:44 -0600 )edit

I plan on transferring schools. I'm afraid because I'm socially inept and I want to work in medicine. I have panic attacks from social anxiety. I was also diagnosed with major depression. I felt suicidal a year ago and was involuntarily hospitalized. My mom told me I should've killed myself.

verysad gravatar imageverysad ( 2018-07-10 21:12:19 -0600 )edit

I can't afford therapy. It's crushing. In class, people talk about family. I feel miserable. There's not a moment that I don't feel lost or sad. I can't change my parents. I don't know how to change my own life. Thank you for the links, I'll try listening to the ardas and reading soon.

verysad gravatar imageverysad ( 2018-07-10 21:23:25 -0600 )edit

I know you are scared. It is fully possible for you to fulfill your dream of working in medicine. There are lots of great careers in medicine. The social skills is a result of the type of home you are in, and you need trusting relationships outside of the home to get that.

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2018-07-11 00:12:39 -0600 )edit

. I think that you should transfer as soon as possible. The social stuff will be easier to overcome when you are in a non-toxic home environment. Your history of depression and anxiety is understandable given your home. They can be managed so don’t cut yourself off from thinking that you can’t..

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2018-07-11 00:13:07 -0600 )edit

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Asked: 2018-07-08 14:09:45 -0600

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Last updated: Jul 08 '18