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Unhappy marriage

asked 2017-11-26 09:19:34 -0500

Hjau002 gravatar image

updated 2017-11-28 15:32:28 -0500

Guruka Singh gravatar image

Hi there,

I have been married to a sardar (not amritdhari) man for 7 years now. We have a kid who is 4 years old.

we are very different personalities. But we have let each other do our thing and hence it has worked until now. He has never stopped me from doing anything that i enjoy or like.

I have always felt alone with him physically, emotionally and socially with him. He hardly made love to me in all these years. I cannot confine in him emotionally. But it was ok because i was living by focusing on our kid, my work, and friends and family.

But the problem now is his mother is living with us now and she is very controlling and bossy. She does not say stuff directly but through him. Goes and tells him mom everything. he says, i disobey him. I disrespect him and his mother. I am jealous of his family. I am materialistic if i say we need a bigger place.I feel they want me to be a piece of furniture in the house and just nod. He has never rung my parents in all these years. Rung them for the first time and complained about me. He does not talk to me at all. Even if he does,its materialistic and superficial.

I feel he wants to be in the marriage because of the child only. I feel he has no connection with me on any level. I am a highly qualified perfessional girl who has been living overseas for 15 years.his mother is stereotypical and thinks women are second class. I feel like a door mat.

I am in an unhappy marriage. It was an ok marriage before she came as he was never controlling.

i am so confused as i still love him. He never says, he loves me. I dont see it in his eyes. Is it okay to stay in an unhappy unloving marriage?

Is this time to end this marriage for my and my child’s good? Is it okay for my child to see that mum is not loved in the marriage? I am afraid and scared. My husband is very manipulative and cunning. My child is all i have. Im scared if i choose to end this he may take my child away from me. Iwill die without my kid.

I married him thinking he will love me and would make an effort to do things together. I feel we are alone alone together.

Should i adjust ( as many traditional women have done or do) or should i draw the boundry and stick to what i need from this marriage?

I dont even know anymore what to ask waheguru in my ardaas? I dont know what i want. I feel lost. I got conselling alone ( he will never agree to come or would be raged if he finds out i got it) the counseller says, why do you even want to live ... (more)

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answered 2017-11-26 15:53:01 -0500

strongKaur gravatar image

It sounds like he isn’t giving you what you need in terms of connection- physical and emotional. I think it’s time to talk about this clearly. Start off with just talking about what’s not working for you (maybe don’t bring his mother into the picture yet, you have enough issues as it is with just his behaviour) and open the communication. It sounds like he doesn’t like the idea of counselling. is he willing to work on it? are you willing to work on the marriage with him? I think those are first steps before talking about ending the marriage. It’s important for him to realize you think there is a serious problem that needs to be worked upon before you spring the conversation of ending it on him. Ask him seriously if he can make these changes for your child and you. If he isnt intersted in counselling maybe someone else can intervene- like is he willing to even talk to someone else?

If you do decide on divorce, you could then think about getting affairs in order like getting a lawyer and talking about options before you have that conversation with your husband. Your lawyer can talk to you about the fears of having your child taken away. I don’t know how that all works with custody.

I really don’t think you should just adjust. Of course there is compromise, there is adjustment naturally. But I think this is far beyond adjusting and compromising. You are giving up a piece of yourself, and hugely, you are sacrificing your needs. A child sees that both parents aren’t living happily and will pick up on that without you having to say it and it will affect them in some way. Some kids more than others depending on temperament. He’s not more important than you. It sounds a lot like you’ve been neglected. And it’s not okay for him to expect you to obey him. Your counsellor sounds not very helpful and you might want to think about finding a new one.

best of luck with your situation. continue to do ardas and you don't need to ask for anything, God knows and will provide what help you need in the day.

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Good answer Strong Kaur!

sanjlon gravatar imagesanjlon ( 2017-12-05 18:18:12 -0500 )edit

Thanks Sajlon!

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2017-12-06 00:56:14 -0500 )edit

Thanks Sanjlon!

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2017-12-06 00:56:22 -0500 )edit

answered 2017-12-05 18:17:04 -0500

sanjlon gravatar image

But i wish to add try getting out for about 3mts or 1 month or so take the child with you, If he will understand he will get better or he will not change, We are all living in this current age and adjusting will bring sickness and early death! please talk and compromise ih has to be good for both sides if cannot give you any support physical and mental and spend time with you then you are wasting your life there. A child will grow up looking at how his parents live and this will affect him/her in the future making realtionships with the opposite sex, better to be alone and look after your child well instead of being in a neglected relationship. If he cannot see that his mother is the root of some problem then give him time to dwell on it and after your holidays come back and see, he must know what it was like before and now! If he cannot share his feeling his fears and his inadequacies etc then why be there?

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yeah taking a break is a nice idea too!

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2017-12-06 00:56:54 -0500 )edit

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Asked: 2017-11-26 09:19:34 -0500

Seen: 661 times

Last updated: Dec 05 '17