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Please help me what do i do?

asked 2016-11-22 03:37:47 -0500

anonymous user


HI there,

My sister has only this year started seeing this guy that she likes, and as a family we all really liked him at the start too. However, there was something about him that I didn't feel was right and talked about with my mum. He seemed like he wasn't what he really showed people, and I had some problems with him around July of this year. I got so frustrated with his behavior and the loyalty my sister was showing to him and not me that I mentioned to one of my friends that I read her messages that she sends to him where he was talking so much crap about me. I faintly remember also discussing with another close friend of mine that I was having some problems with him. I am so scared now that those people will say all this to my sister and it'll make me look like a horrible sister. The only reason I ever mentioned anything to my friends was because I couldn't talk to my sister about it. What do I do? I know my friends have met my sister after I told them and have never mentioned anything, but I feel horrible about the whole deal and feel like they might say something. What do I do? Am i such a horrible sister? I feel like killing myself with shame and terror. 2134

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answered 2016-11-22 19:23:45 -0500

bhagheen gravatar image

you are definitely not a bad sister. I also have a sister and sometimes it can feel like that about many things. However i think as sisters we have every right to disagree on matters if your sister is a good sister she will listen to your side of the story. If this bothered me so much to feeling suicidal i would sit my sister down and apologize for it if it offends her but i would tell her what i feel and even if she gets a little mad i think as her sister you have a right to say what it is that you feel. you may or may not be right but i think as her sister you have a right, and it would be wrong for her to not even hear you out. Good Luck!!!

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answered 2016-11-22 21:54:40 -0500

strongKaur gravatar image

updated 2016-11-22 21:56:09 -0500

You aren’t a bad sister! It sounds more like you were so greatly concerned and perhaps a little overprotective. That sounds like a good sister to me. Have you had a discussion with her about your problems with him? That’s important for her to make an accurate picture about him in her head (I’m assuming from your wording that she’s still with him). It is understandable that you were frustrated because it seems like you essentially thought you were losing your sister to this guy, and you didn’t think it was a good relationship.

It really is a big breech of trust for you to be so invasive and read her text messages. Firstly, I would recommend you never do that again. Those are her private messages. Can you imagine her spying on you? That’s not a nice feeling. I can understand your rationale, but it really isn’t good to break trust. Second, you also need to realize that it’s her life, and she has the right to make decisions about who she dates. A lot of older siblings tend to be like a mini-parent to their siblings. If your parents have concerns they could talk to her themselves. I can understand you want to protect her from making a mistake. You can do that by having a discussion about what you think, but ultimately it’s important you tell her that she is free to choose whatever she wants and you will stand by her no matter what. This is extremely extremely important. You stand by and love your sister no matter what- you need to both tell her and show her. This is because threatening and forcing people ends in poor outcomes. She is going to feel trapped if she is forced to break up with him because of you, and like you are making the decisions instead of her, and for the rest of her life she may wonder if it would have worked out- you will be the person she will blame. Instead, you could just express the concerns and let her choose. Let her see who he is and whether she is okay with that. If he’s really a jerk, she will need a lot of support from her family to turn to when things don’t work out. Lastly, forcing her hand, might cause her to feel like she needs to hide the relationship or bring her closer to him. Making a relationship a secret makes it even more dangerous and harder for her to get help.

Now as to what happened with the friend situation. I can totally get why you’d tell your friends. I’ve had things I’ve said to my friends because I needed to vent at the time and then later thought, wow I wish I had said nothing because its like someone is holding your secrets. A real friend is really never going to compromise their relationship and ... (more)

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answered 2016-11-23 01:35:57 -0500

SimK gravatar image

To both of you, I first want to say a massive thank you for getting back and talking to me via the net. It means a lot that there are good people out there who won't judge my mistakes and let me feel like the world isn't going to come crashing down.

I understand both of you completely. While I know I shouldn't have read her messages, I was frustrated by lack of trust between us sisters because of her lying to me about certain things regarding him, and I was told off by my father for doing that. It was completely wrong and invasive, but I learnt so much about the nature of their relationship via that. I shouldn't have. I told my mum about the whole deal and together we have agreed to put this behind us and not talk about the messages and their details. Together we feel that we have to deal with the situation face to face and address it differently. While the messages made us realize how double sided this boy was, we know that we can't tell my sister but instead need to tackle it differently. And like you say strongKaur, we are going to let her make her own mistakes after talking to the boy. I think I need to completely let this go and just admit the mistakes I've made (I told my sister I was sorry for making her relationship hard) and let things go.

I also talked to my friend today, and she said that she would never ever say anything. She made me understand that the things we talked about were my venting and frustration and that whatever I told her (which was not about my sister) she would keep in confidence with her, and I trust that. So I'm praying to God that nothing goes wrong, and that my mum and I can talk to my sister and talk things out.

I never wanted to make my sisters life hard or muck up her relationship, that was never the intention. I never wanted for things to get worse I was just wanting her to not make a mistake. I think I didn't take the right path, and know I'm hoping I can fix that and make her realize that. I love her and want her to be with someone whose good. I never wanted her to think I've mucked her life up. And again like you say strongKaur, 10 years down the line I don't want her to blame me for letting her love go. I did tell her that I never wanted to make things bad I only wanted to make things good.

I'm hoping that my mum, her and I can talk about this soon. I don't want this to continue.

Thank you both for talking to me, it's made me feel a lot better. Lots of love x

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I’m glad you are feeling better about this. I can totally understand the need to protect her and warn her about this guy, but also the balance of letting her make her own decisions! I have sisters too :)

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2016-11-23 18:26:32 -0500 )edit

Its been hard! Through the messages my mum and I have seen he's been manipulating her against the both of us and been saying nasty things about me for a while, so I'm not his biggest fan. But I talked to my mum and dad today and we're going to not mention these messages and talk differently.

SimK gravatar imageSimK ( 2016-11-23 23:21:03 -0500 )edit

Also, I pray that what you said comes true -no friend would want to compromise a strong friendship, and I never said anything about my sister anyway that I'm worrying. Lets see how things turn out x

SimK gravatar imageSimK ( 2016-11-23 23:38:37 -0500 )edit

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Asked: 2016-11-22 03:37:47 -0500

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Last updated: Nov 23 '16