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Sat Nam,

I decided to answer this question because I really feel for what you are saying. And because of that, I will tell you the story of myself. Your story is a mirror image of my own. I had the same exact "episode" when I was in 9th grade, where my grades were falling and I entered into a deep depression. I didn't know who I was before and every day that I had to go through this confusion, I felt alone, hurt and worst of all, ashamed and guilty that I had done something terrible. I didn't know what it was. It got so bad that I stopped eating and became severely dehydrated.

Every day I'd wake up crying or sick, throw on a black sweatshirt and drag myself to school like a zombie. My best friends couldn't take my crying anymore and began to withdraw from me; that added a crushing blow because then I started to feel like a miserable failure. I couldn't concentrate at school anymore because I felt like I was going insane. My body was contracting, I'd wake up having panic attacks, I'd have horrid dreams about killing my entire family and myself. Drugs even seemed like a way out. I wanted anything which would make it go away. Thank God I didn't succumb to it! The sad truth is I would have, because I felt that every day I felt like this, I was hurting myself and everyone who loved me. It was a living hell.

No one can tell you how to get out of this, but I do want to tell you what happened with me. I was exactly like you. No drugs, no alcohol, very well dressed, was an EXTREMELY creative person, a hopeless optimist, a leader and all around good friend, and then one day it just died. I missed who I was but was afraid to return to her because I couldn't get the thought out of my mind that I had some extreme flaw in my character that led me to this "punishment". This occurred for a few more months (a year total), and I remember going through everything, doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists. No one could figure it out; their conclusion was severe anxiety. But I remember my turning point very clearly. I went to my weekly appointment with my psychiatrist, and she prescribed my some anxiety medicine called Xanax. You've probably heard of it. It wasn't much--10mg, a baby dose--and I went home with a sick feeling about it. I looked at the little white tablet in my palm and decided I'd humor my mom and take it. (On a side note, I really do not like taking medicine--I'm a true believer in Ayurvedic/natural medicines, but this was important for my mother, so I took it). I remember waiting for it to kick in, and feeling disgusting.

The truth was, beneath all the fronts I put up for the sake of my parents' sanity, I was growing so angry at myself. Why the HELL was I doing this? I raged to myself, fists clenched. Did it really come to the point where I need MEDICINE to control this? I am usually very in control of myself, but it felt as though control was slipping away. That inner-rage grew so deep that one day, in the middle of the night when my dad and I were talking over a hot cup of chai, that I stood up and stormed around the kitchen, and vowed out loud that I would never fall, that enough was enough. I was tired of crying, causing pain and going bald. I was tired of being afraid. The next day I looked at the Xanax and I threw it away. No way in hell was I going to die like this.

I took what I had and went to the Gurdwara with my family. We are a religious family, not by "appearance" but deep internal faith. We all know that we can go to God and Guru and we will get an answer. In turn, I knew for a fact that God would not dare leave me alone, and that while my mind wanted to believe that He was not there, in reality He was RIGHT THERE. And so I sat down. I remember feeling so warm, so comfortable. I remember the pulsing throb in my forehead, temples and the knot in my stomach loosen. That was significant given the fact that for months it was hard to even breathe, let alone eat. I just remember my eyes filling with tears as I sat there and stared at the Sri Guru Granth Sahib ji. The granthi thought I was balling my eyes out in sadness (we went at a time where there was no one there), but in fact it was tears of love and desperation. (I'm tearing up right now...) As I was sitting there, I remembered when I was little, how my dad (who is my hero) told me that him and my mom gave me and my brother to God when we were born. I knew where I came from, and Who had me. And I knew, even though it was hard, that He still had me. My sole conviction rest in what I had affirmed over and over again as a child; that everything is there to be learned from. There was no time NOT to learn. I knew I was learning now, even if it sucked.

There is a lot more that is hard to narrate because of its depth and complexity, so I will skip to when I was given leave to turn my life around. After throwing the Xanax away, I decided the best course of action was to return to health. I had already taken up Naam Simran every day for a good period of time, and soon my breath was natural again. My next task was to get my act together and start to drink water. My hair grew back (I still have a bald spot, though) and I transitioned into Sophomore year of high school. It turned out to be one of the best years of my life.

To cut it short, I just want to tell you that you are not completely lost. Where you are is at a crossroads in your life, where you are given the reins to your future. You are maturing into a young, adult person, with a future ahead of you. You are evolving in every way possible. But why does it suck? At this time, your mind is put to the test. Your entire being is rocked to the core. Whenever I think of this, I imagine my innermost values as a slab of marble with chains, with waves crashing against it. Everything you know is being warped, twisted and challenged. You feel like you are going crazy, but that is part of this test. What COMES OUT of it is a version of you that is 1000x better than before. You come out more evolved. I considered it a blessing that I learned so much. It solidified who I am today.

What are you going to do? You say that you do not know what God has in store for you. That is a lesson in and of itself. You do not know, so you must give yourself to Him. Let it go. It's very hard, but just drop the fear. Everything, lay it at His feet. I was deathly afraid of heights (so much so I had to crawl to my psychiatist's office because of its location!), but I went into the gurdwara and my mom took me and led me to behind the prakash, and had me climb the stairs. She had me climb up and down, over and over again. Within a few tries, the fear went away. It was beautiful. So, just drop the fear. The One who created you knows how to take care of you. Trust Him.

You say that you do not know yourself anymore. Time to take this challenge. Time to see yourself change. It's time to accept what will come, and to observe life take its course. You sound like a beautiful person. That beauty is put to the test. How will you make it? How will you change and turn into a better person? It is time to confront all that you are afraid of, your innermost fears. This challenge is to lay them out on the table and learn how to deal with them. This is a way the Guru trains you. What a blessing.

School: Try hard. It is time to understand your place in this point in time. You are at school to do as best as you can. I have always embraced education with love and devotion. I believe it's the best thing that this world can offer you. You learn so much more than just the academia. Embrace your school, and know that you will succeed. Something down the line needs you, and to get to it requires the schooling. Don't be afraid of failure.

Friends: The truest friends I've ever had were the ones who weren't afraid to tell me that what I was doing hurt them. The friends who couldn't bear to see me in pain all came back to me. And together we admired the perseverance. Don't worry. Your friends need to give you space.

My dear, please do not be afraid. There is absolutely nothing to fear. Fear is the dark cloud that makes everything terrifying. The greatest thing I learned was that when you drop fear, the entire world is at your feet. The second you drop all notions of seperateness, worthlessness, whatever may be putting you down, you conquer the entire world. Then there is no difference between you and the holiest of all saints. Embrace yourself, love yourself, take care of your health, but know that these tests will come, and that, even if it hurts, you will learn from them.

For the next 40 days, do Naam Simran for a prolonged period each day. Take deep breaths and begin a deep meditation. Prepare yourself, if you will. Start your process.

I believe it will help for you to know where I am as of now. It has been 5-6 years since that has happened, and I am currently at a university earning my degree in Psychology. My love of academia and the calling of teaching has led me to pursue the career of being a professor. I am still and will remain drug and alcohol free, and am working as a sort of guidance counselor. My choice of dress is just as classy as it was before, my personality just as shining, if not even better. I have developed my once vague interest in art into a full-fledged hobby, and my first novel is almost complete. And my level of meditation and spirituality are infinitely deepened. What I know the most about all of this is that I never would have gotten to where I am today without the small moment in time Guru decided to give me. Without that "suffering," I would have never appreciated just how beautiful every second and every angle of God's life is, and just how lucky I am to be allowed to breathe and live.

God bless you infinitely, and may you outshine even yourself over any challenge that you might face. And may you learn, learn, learn! <3

Sat Nam,

I decided to answer this question because I really feel for what you are saying. And because of that, I will tell you the story of myself. Your story is a mirror image of my own. I had the same exact "episode" when I was in 9th grade, where my grades were falling and I entered into a deep depression. I didn't know who I was before and every day that I had to go through this confusion, I felt alone, hurt and worst of all, ashamed and guilty that I had done something terrible. I didn't know what it was. It got so bad that I stopped eating and became severely dehydrated.

Every day I'd wake up crying or sick, throw on a black sweatshirt and drag myself to school like a zombie. My best friends couldn't take my crying anymore and began to withdraw from me; that added a crushing blow because then I started to feel like a miserable failure. I couldn't concentrate at school anymore because I felt like I was going insane. My body was contracting, I'd wake up having panic attacks, I'd have horrid dreams about killing my entire family and myself. Drugs even seemed like a way out. I wanted anything which would make it go away. Thank God I didn't succumb to it! The sad truth is I would have, because I felt that every day I felt like this, I was hurting myself and everyone who loved me. It was a living hell.

No one can tell you how to get out of this, but I do want to tell you what happened with me. I was exactly like you. No drugs, no alcohol, very well dressed, was an EXTREMELY creative person, a hopeless optimist, a leader and all around good friend, and then one day it just died. I missed who I was but was afraid to return to her because I couldn't get the thought out of my mind that I had some extreme flaw in my character that led me to this "punishment". This occurred for a few more months (a year total), and I remember going through everything, doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists. No one could figure it out; their conclusion was severe anxiety. But I remember my turning point very clearly. I went to my weekly appointment with my psychiatrist, and she prescribed my some anxiety medicine called Xanax. You've probably heard of it. It wasn't much--10mg, a baby dose--and I went home with a sick feeling about it. I looked at the little white tablet in my palm and decided I'd humor my mom and take it. (On a side note, I really do not like taking medicine--I'm a true believer in Ayurvedic/natural medicines, but this was important for my mother, so I took it). I remember waiting for it to kick in, and feeling disgusting.

The truth was, beneath all the fronts I had put up for the sake of my parents' sanity, I was growing so immeasurably angry at myself. Why the HELL was I doing this? I raged to myself, fists clenched. Did it really come to the point where I need needed MEDICINE to control this? I am usually very in control of myself, but it felt as though control was slipping away. That inner-rage grew so deep that one day, in the middle of the night when my dad and I were talking over a hot cup of chai, that I stood up and stormed around the kitchen, and vowed out loud that I would never fall, that enough was enough. I was tired of crying, causing pain and going bald. I was tired of being afraid. The next day I looked at the Xanax I'd stuck into a plastic baggie and I threw it away. No way in hell was I going to die like this.

I took what I had and went to the Gurdwara with my family. We are a religious family, not by "appearance" but through deep internal faith. We all know that we can go to God and Guru and we will get an answer. In turn, I knew for a fact that God would not dare leave me alone, and that while my mind wanted to believe that He was not there, in reality He was RIGHT THERE. And so I sat down. I remember feeling so warm, so comfortable. I remember the pulsing throb in my forehead, temples and the knot in my stomach loosen. That was significant given the fact that for months it was hard to even breathe, let alone eat. I just remember my eyes filling with tears as I sat there and stared at the Sri Guru Granth Sahib ji. The granthi thought I was balling my eyes out in sadness (we went at a time where when there was no one there), but in fact it was they were tears of love and desperation. (I'm tearing up right now...) now as I write...) As I was sitting there, there with my mind spinning, I remembered when I was little, little how my dad (who is my hero) told me that him and my mom gave me and my brother to God when we were born. I knew where I came from, and Who had me. And I knew, even though it was hard, that He still had me. My sole conviction rest lay in what I had affirmed over and over again as a child; that everything is there to be learned from. There was no time NOT to learn. It was something I worshipped; the concept of learning. I knew I was learning now, even if it sucked. And the result would be awesome.

There is a lot more that is hard to narrate because of its depth and complexity, so I will skip to when I was given leave to turn my life around. After throwing the Xanax away, I decided the best course of action was to return to health. I had already taken up Naam Simran every day for a good period of time, and soon my breath was natural again. My next task was to get my act together and start to drink water. My hair grew back (I still have a bald spot, though) and I transitioned into Sophomore year of high school. It turned out to be one of the best years of my life.

To cut it short, I just want to tell you that you are not completely lost. Where you are is at a crossroads in your life, where you are given the reins to your future. You are maturing into a young, adult person, with a future ahead of you. You are evolving in every way possible. But why does it suck? At this time, your mind is put to the test. Your entire being is rocked to the core. Whenever I think of this, I imagine my innermost values as a slab of marble with chains, with storm-drawn waves crashing against it. Everything you know is being warped, twisted and challenged. You feel like you are going crazy, but that is part of this test. What COMES OUT of it is a version of you that is 1000x better than before. You come out more evolved. I considered it a blessing that I learned so much. It solidified who I am today.

What are you going to do? You say that you do not know what God has in store for you. That is a lesson in and of itself. You do not know, so you must give yourself to Him. Let it go. It's very hard, but just drop the fear. Everything, lay it at His feet. I was deathly afraid of heights (so much so I had to crawl to my psychiatist's office because of its location!), but I went into the gurdwara and my mom took me and led me to behind the prakash, and had me climb the little stairs. She had me climb up and down, over and over again. Within a few tries, the fear went away. away and I could waltz off of them if I wanted to. It was beautiful. So, just drop the fear. The One who created you knows how to take care of you. Trust Him.

You say that you do not know yourself anymore. Time to take this challenge. Time to see yourself change. It's time to accept what will come, and to observe life take its course. You sound like a beautiful person. That beauty is put to the test. How will you make it? How will you change and turn into a better person? It is time to confront all that you are afraid of, your innermost fears. This challenge is to lay them out on the table and learn how to deal with them. This is a way the Guru trains you. What a blessing.

School: Try hard. It is time to understand your place in this point in time. You are at school to do as best as you can. It could be the tool to your destiny. I have always embraced education with love and devotion. I believe it's the best thing that this world can offer you. You learn so much more than just the academia. Embrace your school, and know that you will succeed. Something down the line needs you, and to get to it requires the schooling. Don't be afraid of failure.

Friends: The truest friends I've ever had were the ones who weren't afraid to tell me that what I was doing hurt them. The friends who couldn't bear to see me in pain all came back to me. And together we admired the perseverance. Don't worry. Your friends need to give you space.

My dear, please do not be afraid. There is absolutely nothing to fear. Fear is the dark cloud that makes everything terrifying. The greatest thing I learned was that when you drop fear, the entire world is at your feet. The second you drop all notions of seperateness, worthlessness, whatever may be putting you down, you conquer the entire world. Then there is no difference between you and the holiest of all saints. Embrace yourself, love yourself, take care of your health, but know that these tests will come, and that, even if it hurts, you will learn from them.

For the next 40 days, do Naam Simran for a prolonged period each day. Take deep breaths and begin a deep meditation. Prepare yourself, if you will. Start your process.

I believe it will help for you to know where I am as of now. It has been 5-6 years since that has happened, and I am currently at a university earning my degree in Psychology. My love of academia and the calling of teaching has led me to pursue the career of being a professor. I am still and will remain drug and alcohol free, and am working as a sort of guidance counselor. My choice of dress is just as classy as it was before, my personality just as shining, if not even better. I have developed my once vague interest in art into a full-fledged professional hobby, and my first novel is almost complete. And my level of meditation and spirituality are infinitely deepened. What I know the most about all of this is that I never would have gotten to where I am today without the small moment in time Guru decided to give me. Without that "suffering," I would have never appreciated just how beautiful every second and every angle of God's life is, and just how lucky I am to be allowed to breathe and live. live and breathe.

God bless you infinitely, and may you outshine even yourself over any challenge that you might face. And may you learn, learn, learn! <3