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I know you feel very bad about what happened, but obsessing on this topic ruins the present and cannot reverse the past. God forgives all. Do you remember the sakhi of Kauda and Guru Nanak dev Ji? Or Sajjan Thug? The forgiveness that you desire is actually forgiving yourself. You need to forgive from within. Humans make mistakes. We carry the filth of so many incarnations from the past before this too. But the important part is about learning and not being held down. If you hold your mistakes tight like this, it becomes a type of jail. You can free yourself of this because all of that “dirt” we carry from so long, can be washed away with Gurbani. I think one good example I saw from a lady named Sister Shivani was actually that she said our lives are like a white kurta pajama. Imagine that you had gotten it muddy. It is simply soiled and can be washed away. The kurta pajama is still white. God is still within you. You are and will be the pure soul that you always were. Your mind has convinced you and tricked you that you made a mistake so big it cannot be forgiven. It can. It IS. You must forgive yourself now too. It might not be quick but it can happen. I can see that she manipulated you, and you came away feeling heartbroken and used. It is okay to cry. To express your emotions is better than to hold them in. I don’t know if this is true for you, but to me it sounds like you are also sad that you had planned on sharing this physical relationship with someone you wanted to spend your life with, to you it was a big commitment for someone particularly special in your life (while for her it sounded like she just considered this something she casually). But God knows that was in your heart and Guru Ji knows the love that you have. You also did a good job in breaking it off. You did a good job in talking to people and seeking help. You are obviously very committed to your relationship with Guru Ji and with God.

I really honestly think that counselling will be a huge benefit to you in this situation and you could go to your doctor and get a referral (it is confidential and safe). They could help you figure out how to deal with this. At the same time my point would be it would need to be someone which is also culturally appropriate. This wasn’t just a breakup. This wasn’t even really about the breakup, but deeper about the betrayal of your trust, and of your values, and of your relationship to Guru Ji. (And I totally understand that part because I had to repair the same thing within myself at one point in my life). I know you want the pain to be over, but the drinking just adds more problems and will become a bad habit for coping. I think that the important things for you are to call a crisis line or go to the emergency or go get help when you are feeling suicidal. The other piece of at least going to a doctor about this so someone is there for you through this. I’ve heard Sikhhelpline is also a resource for you- you can even call them now: I think that being around others and removing sources of danger to yourself and keeping away from the drinking is important. The drinking increases your risk of making a poor lifealtering decision too. This life is full of so much potential and you can be happy and peaceful again. This pain is only temporary and there is lots of help available from those places, explore those avenues. You aren’t a bad person. I see a person with a lot of great features. If your sister or someone else in your life that you loved had told you the same story, what would you want to tell them. You’d probably be compassionate and tell them that life is worth living and just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you are a bad person. Then apply that to yourself too. Work on eating well, exercising- does a lot for the mood, journaling your feelings, and most importantly heal through Gurbani. Reading, listening, understanding. Listen to Guru Ji’s hukamnamas. Spend time in Sangat. This will heal as well. The lack of happiness in doing all those things you mentioned is because of the depression (low mood, lack of enjoyment, lack of sleep, poor concentration, tired, poor appetite, overly tired or overly restless, suicidal), but that can heal too. You can live in peace again. Read this Gurbani healing guide, it will really help. And the shabads at the end are especially helpful. “When numerous remedies fail in ailments, Applying Name medicine, vanish the ailments.” – there is nothing Gurbani cannot heal. “Immense pain, murders and sins numerous, poverty and misery since birth, Troubles and disputes of major girth, Nanak, all that is destroyed by Divine Name contemplation, Burns like a pile of wood by fire’s action.” – all these problems can be solved, why not yours? For the longest time my screensaver was “Jai Muskhal Hovai At Bhari, Har Ko Naam Khin Mahi Udaari” “Where the obstacles are so very heavy, The Name of the Lord shall rescue you in an instant.” This obstacle is heavy, but Naam can save you! Feel free to write back anytime Veer Ji.