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You are being entirely too hard on yourself. It's good you started listening to paath. That's what its there for, to listen through good and bad times. Everything is done through His will. What I would suggest is provide good merit to others. Be a Good Samaritan and don't expect anything in return. Help others as much as you are able and when someone is wanting to provide help, receive the help. Naturally people are great and are always there. If you believe in Waheguru than you will believe in the goodness of others intentions. When you start to see that and experience the goodness, you will also start to change yourself. Surround yourself with goodness as well, that is why paath is a good area to focus your attention. Others around you will also embrace this.