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Wow. I think you need to take some time out and get your priorities sorted. Your mind is running in circles. In order to move forward you must understand what is most important to you. Your outer life is a reflection of your inner life. Life is not about satisfying others. In fact, life isn't about satisfying yourself either. Life is about serving and taking care of each other.

"Take care of others and let God take care of you."

You can't be the person others want you to be, and you can't become yourself until you know who you really are. So please, don't concern yourself with the existence of God. What matters is that the deepest longing of your heart and soul is drawing you to get real with yourself. Are you up to that challenge? When you become still, you can become clear. Now is the time to do that.