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My dear friend, you are not a bad person and I certainly don’t hate you. I have love for you as a fellow human being, and as especially as a Kaur. We all struggle with the 5 vices. That is human nature! Some people will not be so honest as to admit it, and you have. That was really brave of you.

Peer pressure is a big problem at your age. When you are older you get to choose the people you spend time with a little more easily, and other people won’t influence you as much. right now you are stuck with these people in a school setting where you spend most of your time and they sound like they are not a good influence. Maybe you should consider going to that other school. It makes it tricky to be far from home and your family though. You will have to weigh that in. Regarding the guy at your school and your dads comment about it being okay to have a guy as a friend. I think its totally okay to be friends with a guy. But it’s a little different with your age and history. With what you’ve mentioned, I would think it would be hard for you to be just friends with that guy and when you make the decision to have a sexual relationship then there are so many things you really have to think about like sexually transmitted infections, not getting pregnant and then what if you do get pregnant, will he stick around? It can get really complex emotionally too and can be especially damaging to self esteem if that type of relationship doesn’t end well, which at your age is common because people don’t have very many skills to be in a mature relationship. I would just worry that you would end up feeling worse about yourself if something were to happen.

With your trichotillomania, I think that maybe if you find some ways of managing this self-esteem and anxiety stuff that might help. You’re not alone in having this. In fact you aren’t alone in any of your issues that you have mentioned.

I think a lot of your issues are about your self-image. It is universal to want to be accepted and it sounds like you are in an environment that is not very supportive of you. That chronic feeling of being rejected must be hurtful. It is hard to feel good about yourself when you are being bullied. Don’t judge yourself. You are just going through a tough time right now. A lot of us, girls and guys struggle with lust, especially when you are a single and don’t have a partner. I think guys talk about it a lot more but girls have a hard time with it too. I think it’s important to remember that sexuality is a normal thing. Without those feelings we wouldn’t have that drive to start our own families and carry forward the human species! No one, including your dad can tell you what to do and what not to do with your body. He doesn’t get to allow or disallow your sexual relationships because you are your own person. There are lots of posts about lust specifically if you want to just look up on this blog in the search box. Search lust or kaam or masturbation. Just remember you aren’t a bad person for it.

Doing the things you have mentioned- paath, seva, going to the Gurdwara are good. Gurbani has a really healing power, remember that. Try to read translations if you can to understand. Is there are reason you feel depressed after paath? Have you tried going to Sikh camps and meeting other people your age? It might help you in meeting more people that are like minded. I would also suggest trying ways of expressing yourself like through art, dance, sports, journaling, baking, whatever.

Try to write a list of all your good qualities and read them to yourself. I think you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You go to the Gurdwara, you kept your hair, and it sounds like you have a good relationship with your dad. Remind yourself of things in your life that you appreciate. These situations may take time to fix, but you can slowly work on them. I don’t have all the answers for you, but I think developing a relationship with yourself and with God and understanding that you were created perfect to step onto that path of loving yourself is important. That is a very individualized process and it may take you some time.