Lost desire to live, demotivated, suicidal with no self confidence

This is extremely long, sorry! I want to provide you with some support as I can understand a lot of your struggle and although some of your circumstances are different, I do relate to you in many ways. Firstly, your life matters. You, as a person, matter. Your health is more important than school. I know what it’s like to struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts because I have gone through that too. And my lowest, I felt like a total and complete failure and a disappointment to my parents, and that there was no reason to continue to cause them hardships. I also hated myself, and in my deep sadness, I told my dad all of this. It was life or death and I had nothing left to lose by telling him, and everything to gain by possibly getting some help. He told me that a parent is always proud. That he would never be disappointed in me, and that my life matters more than anything that I ever accomplish or achieve. He needs his daughter to be alive, talk to, hug, share memories with, and that he would support me in any way possible to get better. He told me that it would hurt him so much if I didn’t exist in this world. Just like your dad, my father immigrated to this country and has worked hard his entire life building a life for us from nothing, and that his life goal is me- seeing me succeed. But while I had thought that success was measured in achievements, the truth is health and happiness matter more. Each time I was suicidal, I put myself in his shoes. If my beloved father suddenly dies by suicide, how sad would I feel not to be able to talk to him, see him smile? And if he came to me saying this was his plan, I would tell him he would not need to do one more thing for me, I simply need him alive. And this is how I came to understand that my life is more important than anything else I do or that has happened to me. Telling my doctor was a big step and was important for me too- It helped to take the burden of having to live through this by myself away. I started writing with a washable marker on my arm- Waheguru. And the names of my family members. Basically, remembering what I was living for. Who I was living for. Please keep remembering the reasons you live- you have mentioned them, the pain it would cause your family, and Guru Gobind Singh Ji.

I know this is hard to talk about, thank you for allowing me to “hear it.” I want to remind you that you aren’t alone. A lot of people do struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts, but I know it can feel isolating. Depression and suicidal ideation are serious, though. There is help- remember your resources ... (more)

I do not know if I can help you but I will only talk from my experience.

I've also started med school awhile back and when I did attend it was very hard.

Being in a brown family, being compared to others is a tool used by parents and family to succeed in our parents direction in lack of better tools and understanding. But seeing that you've seen the consequence, the results can be disastrous.

I like this video clip that talks about comparison (see the whole video when you have time for it, but I personally disagree about his views on education and being a gujju just because of lack of education).

YouTube Video - Titanic Lessons from a 100 year old Disaster

Supreet Sachdeva - There were three ships which were nearby when the Titanic sunk. One of them was known as the Sampson. It was 7 miles away from the Titanic and they saw the white flares signaling danger, but because the crew had been hunting seals illegally and didn’t want to be caught, they turned and went the opposite direction away from the Titanic. This ship represents us and people like us if we are so busy looking inward at our own sin and lives that we can’t recognize when someone else... is in need. The next ship was the Californian. This ship was only 14 miles away from the Titanic, but they were surrounded by ice fields and the captain looked out and saw the white flares, but because the conditions weren’t favorable and it was dark, he decided to go back to bed and wait until morning. The crew tried to convince themselves that nothing was happening. This ship represents those of us who say I can’t do anything now. The conditions aren’t right for it and so we wait until conditions are perfect before going out. The last ship was the Carpathia. This ship was actually headed in a southern direction 58 miles away from the Titanic when they heard the distress cries over the radio. The captain of this ship knelt down, prayed to God for direction and then turned the ship around and went full steam ahead through the ice fields. This was the ship that saved the 705 survivors of the Titanic. When the captain looked back at the ice fields they had come through, he said Someone else's hands must have been at the helm of this ship! This ship represents those who would pray to God for direction and then go without hesitation. +++ Life whispers in your soul and speaks to your heart. We need to take time to listen to these whispers and take heed.

You said that your average was 90's before university. Then University came and everything became hard. You also said you have lack of confidence was affecting your studies.

According to "Study Skills" literature it is a symptom of bad study skills. For example, to succeed ... (more)