Feeling teachinfs, Facing Barriers
Hello
I am white. I was in a relationship with a Sikh boy for two years. Depression caused me to nearly take my life twice. I stopped taking birth control and those thoughts faded away. He cheated and left me.
We talked of marriage. I met his family. But never felt fully validated.
He did showed me a lifestyle that felt and continues to feel right. I seem to feel this is right. But I now feel lonely and very lost.
I cry when I read Guru Granth Sahib.
Every Daily Hukamnama seems to be talking about my experience that day or my thoughts and feelings. I hold back tears.
For months I was awaken at 4am. Many times I listened to Japji Sahib as suggested by a friend. It calmed me and I would find sleep again.
I have dreams with strangers in them. I talk with Sikh men in gardens or near streams. Its calming and I dont cry.
But I cry awake. I fear my heart being broken and my loneliness and feelings of betrayl are preventing me from truly connecting with God.
I did not grow up in a religious home. I always felt uncomfortable in churches. Id ask my Sikh friends for help but they pass off this need to be my break up. But I feel its more than that. Other friends tell me to go to "my peoples" churches. I also fear that I will always be alone.
I have since invested in myself. I volunteer I know what I want to do. But I cant shake this off.
I dont know what to do. I find myself drawn here but rejected at the same time.
~Tearful Wanderer
