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I am Amritdhari and unhappy in marriage

asked 2018-05-24 15:35:27 -0500

Singh Singh gravatar image

updated 2018-05-24 16:01:54 -0500

I read few posts here before asking mine. Tjere we're few which said 'my husband is Maritdhari and divorced me, Amritdhari Husband took off'. They made me feel like a wrong person. I don't know their stories, I know Only mine and I am not happy with my decision. Since I am Amritdhari does that mean I cannot think of changing something which I regret( 2 families will get hurt)

It is not normal to unlike ur wife when u have been married for just 6 months. But what to do when someone goes through that........I am going through it. I have never been so angry on anyone, I still think it's better to not hurt her feelings but to hurt myself. But that's so cowardly. Hurting hers is also not a good act... That's so immoral.

I was a stupid person who talked to a girl for 10 minutes and said yes for marriage. Later on I found that she was once Amritdhari but couldn't follow rehet and went to parlor and got eye brows done. When I saw her for meeting and same our ardaas also happened she seemed like she had stopped doing that so I ignored the fact that she has failled once to follow rehet thinking she won't do it again. But she continued after 2 days of ardaas. That's when I started doing kirtan sohila paath with her on most nights on phone to make her heart tilt towards rehet. Once I asked her to not go to parlor and she promised and as a result I went to meet her as we both r from different town. But few days before on video call I saw her eye brows and confronted her about her action and she agreed that yes she has got them trimmed. And said she totally forgot about her promise. That day I made she knows how angry I am for the her hidding this habbit of hers from me before ardaas. I was afraid of not breaking of marriage as I promised my self that I will follow whatever comes after ardaas in my marriage and I wanted to keep that promise to myself. But she didn't change (I thought she did) she got khande bate di pahul before marriage as I kept it a condition for marriage. On that also her mother bargained on rehets that her daughter will follow. I came to know about it later. I was happy thinking everything is going well. I came to my city and my wife went to her mother's place for few weeks. During her stay she never mentioned that she has cut her hair from bottom. Neither her parents said anything(they later said they didn't notice- which I beilive is total crap). Day she returned my parents noticed and kept it from me in order to save me from the pain as I was in a ... (more)

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answered 2018-05-25 01:46:18 -0500

strongKaur gravatar image

Welcome to the forum. Tough situation, but you can definitely make it through. At one spot you put “I don’t know whether I should end this relationship or just end my life to get over it.” Do not end your life. No problem is so big that it does not have a solution. It sounds like your family is also very important to you and they would be very hurt by that. Let’s look at some of your options.

It sounds like yes your wife has been lying and this has made you angry that you wanted a partner that was amritdhari, yet she has broken her rehat and hidden this. We can’t go back in time and have to deal with the situation you are in. It is still possible you will both get to a higher space spiritually and mentally together, but this relationship may need some work. I have seen it happen in other relationships where a partner has managed to completely change their ways and become spiritual. You are her husband, stick by her. She is going to need some help to get there if she is willing to. Also, be clear that her breaking the rehat is not your fault- yes you kept her taking amrit again as part of condition for marriage, but breaking it was her own doing. Unfortunately she isn’t taking responsibility for her actions and there’s nothing you can do about that except tell her the seriousness of how much this is troubling you, and set a good example by living your own life well. Getting angry with her will not solve anything, and will only hurt you.

Have you thought about marriage counseling? I know its early in the marriage but the first year is a particular rough patch sometimes. I think you should accept her as she is right now and that you will move forward together from here. Over time maybe through meeting sangat together and praying together you both can get to know each other better and she can stop lying. You don’t know where she has picked up this mechanism in her life of lying over things. But I think you need to get to know her more. And grow together, pray together, do simran together. The influence of other Singhnis and couples may help her instead of directly pressing her on this issue. Love her for the stage she is at. I also don’t know about forcing her to take amrit again if she is going to break her rehat again right away which it seems like is going to happen. In 6 months take a look at if there has been any change for you. You still have lots of options but you can now look through the eyes of knowing you guys have worked on it. This saves you from jumping to extreme options. Maybe she is facing a lot of pressure to look a certain ... (more)

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answered 2018-05-25 10:25:19 -0500

Guruka Singh gravatar image

updated 2018-05-25 10:27:43 -0500

StrongKaur's answer is perfect. Just remember your anger is your own. She is not "making you angry." You are choosing to react to her with anger. Own your anger. It is yours. Work on that. Calm yourself and channel the heat of your anger into something creative, like running or working out. Don't lay your anger on her. When you are able to relax and open to her and not react to her, that will give her an opening to feel safe enough to talk about these issues with you in a deeper and non-defensive way. Right now, you need to make a shift in yourself, then the opportunities StrongKaur describes can unfold in your marriage.

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Great comment about the anger belonging to oneself. In fact I was thinking about this point earlier today, thanks for adding it :)

strongKaur gravatar imagestrongKaur ( 2018-05-25 20:12:10 -0500 )edit

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Asked: 2018-05-24 15:35:27 -0500

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Last updated: May 25