What is the purpose of my life? Part 2

I am completely broken within myself! Today it is exactly 10 months and 10 days since I lost my wife to Cancer, I am still crying in private, I get harrassed by my family members all the time, I start thinking that I wished I was dead too!

I was told off today by my sister that I am always in the Gurudwara! and I am not looking after my kids! Everyone in the family has suddenly turned against me as if i have left the faith (as I was not a proper Sikh nor Hindu I was abit of a convenience religion person). Sometimes I feel very guilty that I let my wife cut her hair etc but she also wished to do that I didnt EVER EVER force her to do anything that was not Sikhi! You can imagine that we NEVER had any arguement or fights she would say what she was upset about and i would reform and listen to her and make my life better by listening to her. I NEVER talked BACK to her! for 15 yrs? Is that a good or bad marriage? In the Gurudwara I am in tears for longing for my wife and Kirtan has made me a helpless person completely!

I am always listening to Kirtan and trying to live the Sikhi life... Har naam har saas!.... I cannot concentrate on my studies as I am thinking I could listen to one more shabad and then end up crying in my study room all by myself!

I do all the things I have been allocated by God I clean all the house, hoover, cook abit 3-4 days a week and get all the washing done and ironing for the kids school clothes etc. Take them to school and bring them back! And anyone I speak to I tell them I am doing sewa looking after my kids, Gods allocated job for me....as well as find time to go to the Gurudwara in the evening for Rehraas Sahib Paath! I would record any Kirtan the Ragi is doing... I have loaded over 200 videos for 1 Ragi who was trying to get someone to help him load all his kirtan online for years!! I record, I listen and do it for others as I have some time in between all my work! and as I am still having problems with my sleeping pattern so I am awake most nights and sleep at about 4 or 5 am after listening to Asa Di war or Waheguru Jaap.

I am thinking that I am trying my best to live this life in the Sikhi way and i have 1 new friend who is Amrithari and i talk to him about my problems. I always feel guilty afterwards! I have started growing my hair and hoping to waer the Turban and in the future be Amritdhari as well.

My boys are not having this Sikhi life it is becoming difficult to get ... (more)