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I'm 14 and a Sikh girl. I watch porn, I masturbate and I want to have sex. I regret being like this

asked 2017-03-15 13:22:18 -0500

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Sat Shiri Akaal, I am 14 and a Sikh girl who live in uk. I need help on how to stop having lust in my mind. I know about the five vices but I still cannot control. I've been doing this since 10ish when I started puberty. I'm still a virgin. I have been masturbatiing regularly and watching porn. Only my dad knows about this. He has said to control this, but I can't. I've stopped in between a few months but problems have started again. I've been caught watching porn and my phone history had been always checked. I've tried doing Paath, but after I felt depressed and sucidal. In my heart I really want to be a normal person. But my mind stops me all the time. Things that distract me are: school, being out of home. I talked to my dad about this whole thing, he says that I could try having a boyfriend, but be friends only. My dad is even allowing me of having sex before marriage in future. I do think that I shouldn't listen to my dad, he is only saying this because he doesn't want me doing this without him knowing anything. My dad doesn't want me to actually do this. He says that if I loose my virginity I will no longer be a vigin anymore. I am scared. I know about the Guru's teachings that this is wrong. I am so confused right now. I've been searching about this issue on the Internet for months and I finally decide to ask this on this website. I know what I am doing is really wrong and very bad. My mind doesn't want to accept. When I feel like this is so bad, then I stop watching porn and I stop masturbating, but afterwards this all turns around. I end up doing this again and again. I want to know any other ways to stop this, I know many like; doing paath, going to the gurdwara, doing seva and keeping myself distracted. This has made me feel bad about myself, and have extremely low self-esteem. I want to change schools as well, I don't know if this will help. Majority of people at school are bragging about sex and porn. Loads of people talk about this. I want to go to Nishkam High School but it's far away from my home. I've started GCSEs practice since September (2016) year9, and I think this will distract me a lot from learning. I've been having a major crush in school, I've liked this boy (also a Sikh and Keshdari). I've known him 8 years now. I don't know wether I truly like him or is this just lust in my head. He knows that I like him, but he doesn't know what he should do. I'm also known as ugly because of my ... (more)

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Guruka Singh gravatar imageGuruka Singh ( 2017-03-21 10:36:43 -0500 )edit

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answered 2017-03-20 18:24:14 -0500

Guruka Singh gravatar image

You have received so many beautiful, practical and supportive answers here on the forum. Reading them, I feel an outpouring of love and support for you here, as well as a salute to your honesty and your courage. Your courage to be real, allow yourself to be vulnerable and to honestly ask for help here shows your calibre. I honor that as well. Thank you for being you. You are more beautiful than you can imagine right now.

Your low self-esteem and feelings of guilt and worthlessness are going to pass. A cloud moves away. A thunderstorm does not last all day. It may feel horrible now, but it will pass and the sun will come out.

I just want to add a word about masturbation and say that it's different for guys and girls. Guys lose semen when they masturbate. That semen can be transmuted internally and it feeds the white matter in the brain. Because of that, excessive masturbation can be debilitating for men. This is not true for women. When women masturbate, there is nothing lost and no pressure on the glandular system, so, unlike men, women can have as many orgasms as they like with no ill effects. So please don't worry about that. It is far worse to get into a sexual relationship with a guy when there is no commitment. That's because when you have sex with a guy, you get blended with him, you receive his "imprint" in your psyche and your being, then, when he leaves you, it leaves a big hole. Men and women are quite fundamentally different in this way.

Sex is everything and sex is nothing. What I mean by that is, as Strong Kaur pointed out, everyone has sexual urges, that's natural. It only becomes a problem when your thought patterns become obsessive and you become preoccupied with those thoughts to the extent that it interferes with your creativity, productivity, school work and seva. Your job now is to forgive yourself for everything. Love yourself more and get busy doing stuff for others. Opportunities for seva are all around you. Remember... love is a feeling of selflessness within yourself. Do for others and let God do for you. Much love and many blessings to you.

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answered 2017-03-15 20:08:47 -0500

strongKaur gravatar image

My dear friend, you are not a bad person and I certainly don’t hate you. I have love for you as a fellow human being, and as especially as a Kaur. We all struggle with the 5 vices. That is human nature! Some people will not be so honest as to admit it, and you have. That was really brave of you.

Peer pressure is a big problem at your age. When you are older you get to choose the people you spend time with a little more easily, and other people won’t influence you as much. right now you are stuck with these people in a school setting where you spend most of your time and they sound like they are not a good influence. Maybe you should consider going to that other school. It makes it tricky to be far from home and your family though. You will have to weigh that in. Regarding the guy at your school and your dads comment about it being okay to have a guy as a friend. I think its totally okay to be friends with a guy. But it’s a little different with your age and history. With what you’ve mentioned, I would think it would be hard for you to be just friends with that guy and when you make the decision to have a sexual relationship then there are so many things you really have to think about like sexually transmitted infections, not getting pregnant and then what if you do get pregnant, will he stick around? It can get really complex emotionally too and can be especially damaging to self esteem if that type of relationship doesn’t end well, which at your age is common because people don’t have very many skills to be in a mature relationship. I would just worry that you would end up feeling worse about yourself if something were to happen.

With your trichotillomania, I think that maybe if you find some ways of managing this self-esteem and anxiety stuff that might help. You’re not alone in having this. In fact you aren’t alone in any of your issues that you have mentioned.

I think a lot of your issues are about your self-image. It is universal to want to be accepted and it sounds like you are in an environment that is not very supportive of you. That chronic feeling of being rejected must be hurtful. It is hard to feel good about yourself when you are being bullied. Don’t judge yourself. You are just going through a tough time right now. A lot of us, girls and guys struggle with lust, especially when you are a single and don’t have a partner. I think guys talk about it a lot more but girls have a hard time with it too. I think it’s important to remember that sexuality is a normal thing. Without those feelings we wouldn’t have ... (more)

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answered 2017-03-17 12:47:53 -0500

Gurmukh singh gravatar image

I think you should do ardaas. Listening katha will be better for u . You can come out of this phase easily with guru's help. No need to worry. Waheguru ji understands you , ur determination for leaving it

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answered 2017-03-18 16:04:07 -0500

sanjlon gravatar image

updated 2017-03-18 16:11:00 -0500

Sat Shiri Akaal, I can understand how you are feeling and what is going through the mind when all this is happening. Firstly let me just say that these are just normal feelings and urges, So there is nothing wrong with you. And dont listen to anyone who says you are not beautiful, You are and thats what matters. Coz Waheguru made you that way. You are unique and the only one in this world! be happy and feel good about it. There are issues for sure that you have to attend and help yourself, I like the way you express yourself, You have a very good conscious and this will help you alot. You have to do alot of Waheguru jap and that will help alot. Like what Strong kaur said keep yourself busy and understand that your body is not just there for a few days etc you will need it for many many years so to stop doing what you feel is not right is good. There is alot of power the body uses when such actions are done, this will eventually make you weak and in the long you could have other health issues like chronic fatigue, a person thinks its ok as we are young but eventually it will take its toll. so start thinking positively and stopping this thing you are doing, and you will overcome it. There is nothing wrong in being a virgin and even when you marry there is nothing wrong, knowing sex or doing it does not make a person a better person in any way! You should not feel depressed or suicidal because of this activity you are doing, suicide is a cowards way to deal with problems, I am sure you are not a coward, doesn't matter how you look! with time things will change and you will find a person who likes you , who likes the person in you even if you have an arranged marriage. I agree with you that like your dad says get a boyfriend that should not help at all, you might just get a guy who will just use and abuse you at will, so you are being strong and sensible, I like your confidence! Hang out with friends and do normal things like going to the cinema, bowling etc this will keep you busy and keep your mind off the stupid activity. Like i was saying the body uses alot of energy when such activity is done, so preserve that energy and use it in other playing activities, take up a sport like swimming or squash that will keep your mind fresh and your body in exercise.

You can and will stop doing this as at this all the body's glands are playing up, so be strong and you will succeed. You need to do Yoga and such exercises eg pilates etc and this will help you as well. You can change schools by applying to the school and ... (more)

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answered 2017-04-04 15:48:52 -0500

Student gravatar image

Many Sikhs watch porn and Masturbate.

You r perfectly normal.

However, Obsession with anything is self detrimental, whether it is sex, money, power, news, anything. If you are spending so much time on this that you can't find time to do your homework, then it is a problem but that would still not make you a bad sikh or bad person.

Most important thing is the life that God has given you. By worrying about this issue, you are actually causing more damage to your life than the damage that this "issue" could cause, if any at all.

You are not alone. We are all sisters. Let me know if you want to talk it out. I feel really bad that you feel this way. You deserve happiness.

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Asked: 2017-03-15 13:22:18 -0500

Seen: 487 times

Last updated: Apr 04