Revision history [back]

I’m sorry to hear about the death of your biological parents. As for your situation: All I can do is really help you expand your options. No one can really say what to do, you are the expert on your life and have to live with your choices. (If I was to tell you what to do it would be based off of what I would do and that’s not going to be right for you and honestly I don’t even know what I’d do in your situation because I haven't lived your life!). As per Sikhi, caste does not matter. But many people are still stuck in looking at caste differences and your parents aren’t alone in this.

OPTION 1 tell your parents the truth/negotiate

PROs You’re no longer lying to your parents. You can tell them you love this other girl. Try to change the thinking that as per Sikhism caste is not an issue. Get a chance at your relationship with this other girl.

CONs Your parents may not change their minds. May in fact be very angry you lied and disobeyed them. May disown you as happened with Raspal Singh. They may be more forceful about this marriage and you end up going with what they want anyways except it creates distrust now in your relationship with your parents.

OPTION 2: leave the girl you love for your parent’s choice and don’t tell them about the girl you love

PROs Maybe your parents have made a good choice for you if you give her a chance. Often arranged marriages are based on similar values/ what parents believe will be best for you based on her values and your values. You might learn to love each other. You don’t have to tell your parents the truth, you are following what they say so you won’t be disowned. (Even if you don’t want to pursue this option it would be an option for you to meet the girl that they have set up for you to see if you’d be a fit. That’s complicated of course because there might be an expectation you say yes or no on the spot, and the girl might like you but you don’t agree so that’s an issue or hurting her, and lastly it would kind of be a false meeting unless you intend on leaving the hindu girl).

CONs You marry someone you don’t love and might be stuck spending your life regretting giving up the girl you did. You give up the person you do love. You don’t tell your parents the truth.

OPTION 3 turn down the arranged marriage, stay with the girl you like and don’t tell the parents

PROs You could delay by turning down this arranged marriage and telling your parents whatever. Maybe you tell them you’d rather find someone you love or get to know them first, I don’t know. It gives you more time to figure out the situation.

CONs Just delays the inevitable decision. You continue to lie to your parents.

OPTION 4 You marry the girl you love and take the chance your parents might disown you

PROs: you marry someone you do love. You make your own choice for your life partner so in the end you can’t say “I only married this other girl because my parents wanted me to.” It’s solely your decision for better or worse.

CONs: who knows you could be missing out on a good relationship with this amritdhari girl. May not work out with the girl you love. You risk ruining your relationship with your parents and being disowned.

That’s all I can think of. Of course you can add to the list. I guess part of it depends on what you have discussed with the Hindu girl. Have you talked about marriage, etc. Because she's going to be very hurt if you break it off then. My point is helping to elaborate on your choices to force your brain to think about it. Sometimes we don’t think through the options clearly. You could take a hukamnama for direction. I wish you all the best in your life.