Revision history [back]

Sat Nam,

I agree with WarriorsWill. I just want to add a comment to where you asked "I am still trying to figure out if its just lust/infatuation or if there really is a genuine connection."

I don't want to say that you have no genuine connection, because I do not know you personally. But what you two did together, however, was a lapse in judgment that may as well have jeopardized the strength of the connection. Speaking from experience, I have many female friends from all walks of life who have done almost the same thing, and I can tell you that for a woman, engaging in an act which literally "saps" emotions and creates a little knot in her psyche without any commitment (first date!!) puts a weight on her growth as a person, especially if she is young. Her growth as a person is CONNECTED to you, rather than being unattached and free. It's not about blame, but the ramifications about sex before commitment are very high. Some manifest later in life. The counsel I usually give to girls (I live in a college dormitory in the U.S.) is that imagine your wedding day where you agree to build a life with the man you love, but also imagine all the guys you've slept with right there in every decision, in every thought. That usually is enough to give them pause.

As for "is it lust?!", I would have to say that yes, it was an act of lust only because you lost sight of the consequences and immaturity of the action, which YOU KNOW was probably not a good idea. (It doesn't matter how "in" to each other you are). "Getting caught up in the moment" is not just a petty little saying, it entails great pain if it keeps happening to you. In turn, you lose sight of the REALITY of your connection. A connection takes time to build and deepen. They say that 99% of it is sexual attraction, but the other one percent (the important part) is something that takes time to understand. One date is not even enough for the most experienced and evolved of people.

So, what to do now?

The reason this reply is so long is because I understand where you are coming from and do want you to know that you are not going to be punished for it, but that there is a lesson to be learned. That "hesitancy" you both feel could be a combination of "guilt", shame or even a "thrill" that you did something daring. Instead of building something on that unstable foundation, try to turn it around. Do as the other replies stated. Forgive yourself, and ask your Guru ji to forgive you. AND, be a man and apologize to the girl. Tell her how you feel about it now that you know what it does to a woman. If she doesn't want to listen or tells you otherwise, that's her problem. YOU have to own up to it. DO NOT DO IT AGAIN. If you keep getting "caught up in the moment", try not to create an environment where it's so easy for you to have sex or anything close to it. Don't let her into your house, and don't go into hers. Go to Gurdwara, volunteer, do seva, babysit, get to know each other at a park bench on a busy day. Try to see beyond the thrill of it, and take it slowly. (I know you've heard this before, but good info is worth repeating).

Most of all, build your common sense. Grace and wisdom will serve you your entire life and are a compliment to God and Guru. If you want a connection with this girl, slap yourself into reality and honor her as a single woman, and honor yourself with the gift of control. Don't be impulsive.

I wish you the best.